Bought Two, Got One Free

Love Them and Leave Them

2012-01-20T16:38:00.000-08:00

So today I went with my impulse and got myself a new hairdo:

BANGS!

I don't think men read my blog, but if they do, I need them to understand something. Getting bangs is a big deal for women because it means commitment. You grow out your hair for months/years to get it just right and then you see a friend with bangs and you begin to get that itching to do the same. But that means cutting off all the effort it took to grow them out in the first place. It's like recommitting to a dysfunctional ex-boyfriend you swore you'd left for good after your last break-up. But this time for me, it is totally different. This is the equivalent of a one night stand. Zero commitment, use and abuse them, love them and leave them bangs. They call them "Clip-On Bangs" Basically, little hair extensions (made from real human hair...or so it says on the box) that clip to the front of your head. Genius, right! I fooled a few people when I picked up the kids from school today. In fact, I even fooled the kids! The only one I didn't fool was Ruby. She won't stop sniffing my real human hair clip-on bangs. Makes me wonder who this hair belonged to. Quite possibly a mail carrier, or an LADWP meter reader, or maybe a CAT! LOL!!!!

Love my Ruby...nothing gets past her!

Women Need Other Women

2012-01-19T20:25:00.000-08:00

Today I had a mini meltdown at the end of dinner. I didn't feel like getting up off my butt to clean the kitchen, do a bed time routine, and be a good dog owner. I wanted to sit there with the last few crumbs of the delicious carrot cake recipe I stole from a friend and close my eyes and sleep. Right there. Sitting on my ass. But instead I got out my phone and complained about it on Facebook. So what? I don't always complain. Mostly, I try to keep my posts to funny pictures of strangers, my loose political views, or cute stuff about the kids. Just not tonight. Tonight it was all about me, woe is me.

And that's when she said this, "You probably don't realize it, but whenever I start to feel burnt out from the day-to-day mommy grind around this time of year, I'm reminded how you have it so much harder every year for soooo many long weeks at a time. It humbles me. It keeps me going. That's why I think you are amazing...and by all means, you are certainly allowed to vent! xoxo" and just like that, made it all better.

Women need other women. To steal their carrot cake recipes from, to bring you pink roses at dinner, to attend and validate your 5 minute pity party, and to make you realize with just a few words that your woe has been their wow, and that feels really good. In fact, it makes you feel amazing.

Invisalign Day 1 of 378

2012-01-11T19:51:00.000-08:00

I went in and sat down all naive, thinking they would just fit on a tray and I'd be out of there in just 5 minutes. WRONG! First, they put a gigantic spacer in my mouth and proceeded to glue on these tiny little buttons to the fronts of my teeth to "hold the trays" better. I don't know about these buttons...seems like a waste of pain, but then again I don't know anything about teeth other than I don't like mine messed with. But here I sat out of my own accord.
Then he attached trays to the teeth and squeezed and pushed and tightly gripped each tooth. I didn't really like this part. But it was still all OK up to this point.

And then it came...the freaking drill like tool. I HATE that tool. He was just going to remove the excess resin from my teeth, he said....whatever, it was TORTURE. I hate the sound of it. I hate that I can feel it vibrating all the way up to my brain.

Finally the take-home trays were snapped-on and off I went...into my car to pick up my kids from school. I felt like a duck, like my mouth was puffy and fat and protruding. My lips are big enough, now I look like those people who run off and get botox to get that porn star look. I hate that look. That's how my lips feel right now. Maybe its not how they look, but its how they feel.

I got to the school and put on some lipstick (because I always wear lipstick) and quickly realized this was a stupid idea. The lipstick got all over the plastic tray and I looked like Susan Banks. What the hell am I going to do for a YEAR without lipstick? This realization almost brought me to tears. I can't wear heels every day anymore because of my stupid broken back. I can't wear cute flats because of my ugly bunions. I no longer have time or money for expensive hair and I am only doing nails every other time because I need to still be able to afford my lash extensions. Thank God for the lash extensions....at least I still have them babies. So I took a deep breath, wiped it off, and in I went.

"MOM!!!....why'd you get braces? Do they hurt? Why do your teeth look all dirty?"

Whaaat? My teeth look dirty? I hadn't even eaten anything at this point. Maybe this was a bad idea...but then again, maybe its not. I have always wondered what it feels like to bite down on a sandwich with your front teeth. Mine have never touched so I don't know what that would feel like. I've also always wanted to smile a big o cheesy smile, but I can't because then my bottom teeth show and UGH, they are so ugly! O.K. I'll stick it though.

It's now 7 hours later and my teeth HURT. I mean, not if I am just sitting here with a blank look on my face, because then it just feels like pressure. Its when I talk and smile and let my jaws meet that it hurts. Good thing its not cold or I'd shiver...ouch!!! So how am I going to survive the next 378 days of this Invisalign journey? I don't know. As much as I hate to take medicine, I think its time I pop a pill.

Here is what my teeth (with trays) look like today, Day 1 of 378:

A Newborn 2012

2012-01-01T16:53:00.000-08:00

Today the flavor of a beer marinated, charcoal grilled, 1 inch thick, T-bone steak and the sounds and sights of KTLA's replay of 1982's Tournament of Roses Parade took me back, way back into my innocent childhood. It had been decades since the last time I was there. Delicious. Bittersweet. Surreal. Beautiful. My grandfather used to say that the way you begin a new born year sets the tone for the rest of it. I have always believed that to be true. 2012 is going to be a year to remember. I can just feel it.

In with the new...

2011-12-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

Being Mexican and Catholic there are a gazillion little things we do every year at Christmas because we believe in the value of passing on important traditions to our children. And because its fun :^) Putting up a Nacimiento, singing Posadas every night from the 16th to the 24th, decorating our house inside and out, visiting Candy Cane Lane, baking cookies for Santa, singing candlelight lullabies to our newborn baby Jesus on Christmas Eve, then swaddling him tight and placing him in the manger so Santa can stop by and say hello to him...to name a few. And I won't even mention the FOOD involved in all of this....oh God, the food! Sometimes it feels as though we couldn't possibly add one more thing to our list. But today we did.

Thank you Christina O'Connor, my dear friend, fellow fabulous triplet mom, and tortoise party partner (slow and steady....) for suggesting that I, too, start the tradition of Secret Triplet Santa. This afternoon I took the kids, one at a time, to the wonderful world of Target on the busiest shopping week of the year, with a $10-15 per piece limit, to scour the aisles for the perfect gift for their Secret Santee. And it was amazing! And meaningful! And thoughtful! And oh so sweet!

Now the hard part...how do I keep their traps shut? Not an hour after we were all home I overheard Emma almost spill the entire pot of beans while I was out in the liquor cabinet in the garage (there is a legitimate and totally innocent reason I was there...this time!) and barely made it back to the living room in time to stop her! I for sure thought Jacob would be the first one to blow it. Guess us girls just gossip by nature...even the good ones. So it's going to be a long 5 days until the secrets can finally be revealed, but in the meantime I am relishing in the beginnings of a wonderful new family tradition.

Faith

2011-12-18T16:57:00.000-08:00

"Mommy, are all those Santas real? Or are they all fake?"

"What do you mean? Like the ones you see at the mall and all around town?"

"Yea, they're everywhere!"

"Well, Santa is very busy this time of year. He has to see children all around the world. Sometimes he uses Santa Substitutes, like helpers, much like your teachers do when they are absent from school. However, the real Santa IS out there too. You just never know when you find yourself standing in front of Santa whether he is the real one, or a helper. So always smile and be polite."

They saw Santa at Disneyland for the first time this season. They hugged him, took a picture with him, and were convinced when they left that he was the real one, because Disney always has the real everything! They don't fool around, you know?

"But Mom, we didn't bring him our lists! We didn't get to tell him our names or anything...how will he know where to go and what to bring? We have to go back!"

"Don't worry. We'll just go visit him at the mall and you can take your lists to him there."

"But what if the one at the mall's a fake one?"

"Well, we'll just have to take our chances."

They all looked different shades of unhappy as they left, weighing out those chances, hoping in their hearts for some kind of miracle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then today at the mall, after waiting in line for almost 2 hours in their Christmas outfits, with their lists in their hands, they walked up to Santa looking nervous and uncharacteristically shy.

"Ho ho ho....Hello there Emma, Roman, and Jacob...wait...which is which? I can never tell you two apart! ho ho ho... Remember when I last saw you at Disneyland? Have you been good since then? (they all nodded, their eyes and jaws wide open) Now lets see those lists...what do you want this year?"

And he kept with him the lists, and their hearts, and their doubts, and left in their place a little miracle called...

FAITH

Christmas is only as real as your heart allows it to be...

Today I got an answer...

2011-12-09T15:21:00.000-08:00

Today, when I found out I did not get the job I interviewed for on Tuesday (my first interview in 10 years) I learned something about myself. I've changed. Motherhood, and the whole infertility route I clawed my way through before that, completely changed my perspective on life. I used to get so bent out of shape before when my plans didn't work out. But now I find myself completely content with the decisions God makes for me. Maybe it's because there is nothing more meaningful to me than my 3 little miracles, maybe its because I've learned that life is too short to waste on wallowing, maybe it's because I finally have real faith in God's plan, or maybe it's because I am finally truly happy with who I am and with the life I'm living. I really don't know, maybe all? What I do know is that as I walked away today I was very much OK, I was still smiling, and I meant it.

Dear Santa, I'm Emma.

2011-12-06T12:56:00.000-08:00

Who is she, really? What makes her click? Is she sweet? Is she rough? Is she pink? Or is she dark? Does she know who her mother is and if she does, is that the reason she's so different from me? I, personally, think she's pretty dang awesome. I always have. She dances to her own beat, laughs at her own jokes, wanders away without looking back, and stops whatever she's doing to make everything right, for everyone.

When she asked her dad for an iPad I butted in and told her she was on crack. She then said, "It's O.K. I'll just ask Santa." To which I replied that Santa is most definitely not on crack and would not be bringing her an iPad either, at least not for another 20 years.

So at the end of Thanksgiving, Emma sat down to make her list. She checked it twice and added pages 3 and 4. And it looks a little something like this:

Dear Santa,

I want
A Pink Lego Set
A Pink Monster Truck
A Robot
A Teddy Bear
A Monster Mini Doll
A glove
A bed for my doll
A storm trooper
Rain Boots
A Ball
A Pet Dinosaur
A cart
A blanket
A Hello Kitty doll
A teacup set
An eraser
A pencil
A mop
A puppet
A toy that has a remote control and
Construction Paper

Oh and Santa, I want
A notepad
A hello kitty t-shirt
A Jack Skellington Big Head
A little pillow pet
A T.V.
A dollhouse
A candy making machine
An American flag
A Princess and the Frog Book
A Miss Muffin doll
A Moshi Monsters doll
A princess coach
An Ugly Doll and
A Smurf toy

And that's it Santa! Merry Christmas!!!!

And that's her in a nutshell. Torn between being a pink princess and a Yoda. A delicate rose sprouting up in a garden surrounded by power rangers and superheroes and thorns.

She's Emma. My Emma.

11-11-11 Veteran's Day

2011-11-11T10:11:00.000-08:00

A message from my kids:

Today we celebrate all the soldiers who fought to keep us safe from all the mean people. We are proud of our Dad and Grandpa Lew for being soldiers. We love them for being so strong. Thank you to all the Veterans and their families.

We also said a special prayer for the Service Men and Women we are blessed to know and love:

Amanda De La Cruz

US Marines

Angie Vasquez

US Army

Curt Cummings

US Army

Jose Blanco

US Navy

Marvin Barrera

US Navy

Robert Aguayo

US Army

Shawn Taylor

US Army

Dia de los Muertos

2011-11-02T19:46:00.000-07:00

We celebrated my father's life on the Day of the Dead. The kids helped me decorate with all of his favorite things. They said a prayer, danced to his favorite songs, played games, and had their dinner right there next to him. In the end we all dipped our Pan de Muertos in our Mexican hot chocolate. It felt like he was right here with us the entire time, and he was happy. I love you Papa.

Interpretation

2011-10-13T22:54:00.000-07:00

This drawing has been circulating the internet for some time now. It's alledgedly drawn by a child and turned in to her teacher. The mother's note to the teacher the next day is something like, "I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip bar. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent cold weather. This photo is of me selling a shovel."

As a former teacher, it makes me laugh because it totally "could be" real. Today I saw it again on my friend's Facebook wall and thought how interesting it would be to ask my children to explain the drawing to me (crossing fingers their innocence was still intact!)

Emma, "It's a drawing of a girl opening the door to her store. It's like the side view of the door. The people holding the money can't wait to get in and buy stuff."

Roman, "The girl is holding a large flute. She is a musician and the people in the background are holding the music paper with the notes on it for her."

Jacob, "The girl is standing on the world's biggest soda. She's holding onto the straw. The people with the money are thirsty and fighting because they all want to buy it."

PHEEEEW!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!

Heartburn

2011-10-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

Jacob has had a crush on Casynee since preschool. This year, for the first time, they are not sharing a classroom. She is actually in Roman's class. So two days ago we are sitting at the dinner table and inevitably it starts up (in a taunting voice) with:

Emma: (with a sneaky look in her eye) Jacob misses Casynee because she isn't in his classroom anymore.

Roman: (amused) Yeah, Jacob, she's in my class now. Ha ha.

Jacob: (frowns) Be quiet!

Emma: (giggling) Jacob has heartburn for Casynee!

Me: (putting my fork down) Emma do you know what heartburn means? That's when you eat too much of something and you feel like throwing up.

Emma: (cackles hysterically) YEAH! That's it! Jacob has HEARTBURN for Casynee....Jacob has heartburn....Jacob has heartburn....Jacob has heartburn...

Jacob: (makes a sad face) Leave me alone!

Emma: (now glowing like a hyena) Jacob, your face! Haaaa haaa haaa.....Do it again!

Jacob: (sighs and looks away shaking his head)

OK, I thought only brothers sucked. Actually, sisters do too! I don't know about that girl lately. She's been thinking she's all bad ass ever since she learned how to tie her shoelaces and pull back her own ponytail. lol

Going to the chapel...

2011-10-05T10:37:00.000-07:00

"Where is Sasha going to live now?"

"With Kevin, in his house."

"Is it far?"

"No."

"Where are they now?"

"They are in Hawaii, on their honeymoon."

"What's a honeymoon?"

"It's like a one or two week vacation that a newly married couple gets to go on after their wedding."

"That sounds fun. Like when we went to Vegas?"

"Mmm, yea sort of."

"And they go far away so that nobody they know can see them?"

"Yea, that's exactly it, Emma! So that nobody they know can see them!"

LOL

Thanks to Kevin and Sasha for including our children (and us) in their fairytale wedding. I hope my little ones can look back on this moment as an example of what should happen when you fall in love with the right person and decide you want to spend your lives together. A wedding is a blessing, a commitment, and a sacrament and should be celebrated to the fullest. Congratulations to a beautiful couple!

When The War Is Lost

2011-08-29T22:16:00.000-07:00

Early today I received the news that my best friend's husband died last night. My heart broke. Cancer won.

Later in the day I received a phone call that my cousin also died last night. My heart broke again. Cancer won here too.

It seems that most of the people that I've lost, as well as most of the people my friends have lost, have done so to cancer.

I can't understand why good, honest, caring, giving, wonderful individuals have to go to war with this horrible disease while other hateful, vile, evil, rotten humans walk around in perfect physical health. It's not fair.

Tonight I go to bed wondering what kind of cancer will take my life someday. I just pray its not as soon...

To my cousin, Jose Yacuta, one of the most genuinely giving souls I've ever known: Rest in peace with God in heaven. We will miss you.

To my friend, Phil Nameth, one of the most decent, moral men I've ever met: Rest in peace with God in heaven. We will miss you.

Before They Sleep

2011-08-12T21:04:00.000-07:00

"I love you, sleepyheads...sweet dreams and goodnight"

I can never read the entire book out loud without a knot in my throat and a tear in my eye. So many, many nights it's been just like in the book: my sweet, sleepy babies huddled and snuggled, all tired and...me. Only me.

I don't really want it to end, but I know the nights are numbered. Soon they will be interested in other stories, sleeping in different bedrooms, likely at different times. And their fur won't be as soft, and their eyes won't be as innocent, and they won't really need me anymore.

I never cry outside the gate on the first day of school. I don't baby them when they fall. I don't hesitate to punish them when needed, and I don't regret it afterwards. Because I'm hardcore like that. But at night, when I retrace the footsteps we've taken and reflect on the tremendous, enormous love I know they feel from me, I read the very last line of my favorite bedtime book, quickly turn off the lights, and leave before they realize I'm human.

She's mine after all!!!!!!

2011-08-09T21:08:00.000-07:00

Today while spending a little quality time with Mario (who's been gone for most of the summer) who just got back from Vegas and leaves again tomorrow for Texas...

Emma, "Daddy, why'd you choose this job that you do? Why didn't you choose to be a doctor instead?"

Mario, "I sort of didn't really have a choice, Emma. But if I had, things would be different. But you and your brothers will have a choice."

Me, "Yea, Emma. You, on the other hand, WILL have a choice. Why don't you become a doctor when you grow up?"

Emma, "Well, I have thought about that, mom. But I'm thinking I sort of want to be a Princess instead." she smiles big.

Me, "Maybe you can be both. Maybe you can be a Princess Doctor."

She beams, "OK!"

Me, "And you can take care of all of us for free!" fantasizing about how I won't have to deal with stupid insurances and medical billing companies ever again.

Emma, "What? No way! Not for free! People will have to pay me!"

I had to laugh since this is the first time Emma's gut reaction was EXACTLY as greedy as mine would have been! Thank you, Jesus, she really is MY daughter after all!!!!!

Me, "Even Daddy and me?"

Emma, "No, I'll take care of you for free. You, Daddy, Roman, Jacob, and Nana. But that's it!"

First time, really. You all just don't know how totally happy this makes me!

And they saved his life...

2011-07-28T23:35:00.000-07:00

He told me it was an ordinary night. The walk in the dark was quiet and pleasant just like every other time. As our neighborhood settled in for a good night's sleep, Mario, Max, and Ruby headed out into their familiar route down our street and around the large MTA lot on the corner. They do this every night. It's what they all three look forward to at the end of a long, hot summer day. And this night, it all seemed to be routine. Simple. Normal. Until they reached the lot. For what seemed like no reason at all, upon stepping unto the pavement of the parking lot, the dogs stopped. They started circling him, sniffing the pavement all around them. Mario said he tried to pull them forward, to continue their normal walk, but they wouldn't go. They just kept pulling him back, sniffing the ground, taking up time.

Time.

He was tired, it was late, and the dogs were now wasting his time. He pulled on their collars and made them continue the walk, deciding to cut it short in order to get back home and call it a night. And that's when he heard the screeching tires and saw the massively explosive crash on the cement barriers that send a car flying, and flipping three times over in mid-air, landing it on the pavement directly over the route they would have been walking on at that exact second of time. Had they not sensed, had they not known to hold him back, had they not followed the very instinct that makes them the most intelligent, amazing breed of animal to ever walk this earth, I might have lost the love of my life.

It's no coincidence, it's not chance, and it's not luck. It's God who controls our life's destiny, but it's us who decide with whom and with what to surround our life with, and when we're smart, we stop and listen to those who truly love and live to protect us. And that's how man's best friend saved my husband's life last night.

Work Ethic...Lesson #1

2011-07-11T14:05:00.000-07:00

Last year I pretty much wiped out my back and bank account organizing, preparing, and setting up for the triplets 5th birthday party all by myself (Mario was away for work.) Afterwards I called it quits on ALL birthday parties. I told everyone that I was DONE with it. Only 3 more parties left in me...The Triplet's First Communion, The Tenth Birthday, and the Quinceanera. That's it! LOL...so they all had no choice but to agree to it since nobody else can or even wants to play party planner.

This year, instead of a birthday party we took them to Knott's Berry Farm for the first time. We had a GREAT time riding, eating, slurpeeing, and shopping for one present each. They were thrilled and are still talking about how much they loved their birthday. But the downfall to not having a party is that you get no presents. Back at home they received a few cards. One from their NICU nurse, Denise, who never forgets them, one from Nana, and one from Rosy. With the money in those cards and the money in their piggy banks, they made the choice to buy themselves their own Nintendo DS. I told them Dad and I would buy them each a game if they paid for the DS's with their own money. Deal!

Problem....different times along the way, they'd "dipped" into their piggy banks to buy a ball, or a treat, or a Dollar Tree toy. They also got into the habit of giving friends and cousins a dollar here and a dollar there as a token of their love (despite several warnings from me...LOL!) Well, come counting time, Roman and Emma each were short 9 dollars. Jacob was short 26 dollars! (I guess we all know which parent Jacob takes after....!!!!!) So after he stopped crying, I told him that for 1: they needed to stop spending their money foolishly and stop giving it away, and 2: I would let them "earn" money doing chores around the house.

The three of them begged for dollar jobs and took it very seriously (washing the dogs, taking out trash/recycling, cleaning the floor boards, carrying in groceries, etc.) Today, Roman and Emma brought down their piggy banks and cheered when they found out that they now have enough money for their DS. Jacob on the other hand, is still $18 short. But he didn't cry this time. He just looked at me very seriously and said, "Mom, I'm going to work hard today." O.K.

So I couldn't help but smile when Jacob began cleaning the horrible little crevices between the chairs and dinning room table with much effort. And when I heard Roman call him over to "help him" get through a Wii Lego Batman level, and Jacob replied, "No, Roman. I need to work to make money!" and kept on wiping, my heart kind of skipped a beat...maybe two.

Sometimes as parents we want so desperately to just hand over every little thing to our children, to make them happy, to see them smile. It would have been very easy for me to just fork over the missing piggy bank money and today they'd have their games already. It wasn't so easy to approach this situation for the first time and take the stand that I did, much to the look of horror, dissaproval, and dismay on Mario's and Rosy's faces last week. But today I am glad that I did. They say lessons learned young last longest and I believe this was a lesson learned.

Living Things

2011-06-30T19:47:00.000-07:00

On June 2nd Emma ran out of Mrs. Rawcliffe's room with a little box in her hands, "Mrs. Rawcliffe said I could have them! She said I could take them home!"

And what were they? Oh just 3 little silkworms picked out from the class supply of 4,927 living in a large plastic box on her desk. Great. More pets. LOL! But I was kind of intrigued. What would it be like to raise silkworms? Would they be slimy and stinky? Would I regret this and secretly feed them to the squirrels outside? Do squirrels eat meat? Would Tanya come over drunk and kill them as a form of karmic revenge? Anyway, though hesitant, I agreed. The kids were elated and immediately named them Stripey, Comic Boy, and Storm Trooper.

I really have no idea how these poor things survived. Every single day they were picked up and petted, dropped on the floor, and picked up again. One time Roman forgot he was holding one and it crawled away. This freaked out Mario and me thinking it had somehow moved to the inside of the couch. But we found it...stuck to the butt of Roman's cotton shorts...alive.

I also almost starved them a few times because the only mulberry leaves we have near us are the ones on the tree at school and I am sort of embarrassed to drive over there after hours and jump up as high as I can to pluck them from the tree near the fence. What if the neighbors report me? After a few weeks, Stripey, Comic Boy, and Storm Trooper spun themselves into cocoons that closely resemble organic white cheddar cheese puffs. This was sort of fascinating as it happened completely overnight.

Last week, two of them broke out and became moths. I am not sure what I am supposed to do now, but Mrs. Rawcliffe told me they were tame and would stay in the box until they mate and create new silkworms. Well, this is all fine and dandy but what she doesn't know is that all living things in the Ragsdale House grow to be bigger and taller and stronger and more capable than the average living things in other households.

Every day I put them back in their house and every day they get out again. Today when we came home from our park playdate I found only one in the box. The other one was GONE. I pulled out the couch, checked behind the curtains, and all around the windowsill. I was beginning to think that maybe my mom found it near the table and smacked it with a fly swatter, not knowing he resides here on purpose. Then, as I practiced my post-mortem speech for the kids, I began to dust the picture frames and there he was, stuck to the velvety backside. Dang Moth!

He is pretty cute with his feathery eyebrows and dark eyes....

Emma begged me to let her hold him. I begged her not to share this information with the brothers. The moth let me take his picture. And I found a new use for one of the party food tray covers in the garage. All is well in our silk worm world.

Sometimes Love Means Letting Go

2011-06-13T18:39:00.000-07:00

Emma had just turned 3 years old when she asked me, "What's this?"
It was a Kindergarten tracing alphabet practice book. I told her it was for school aged kids who were learning how to write. "I want it. Can I have it?"
I was sure she didn't know what she was talking about and tried to convince her to buy the peek-a-boo Elmo toddler book instead, pointing out that it had touchy feely fluffy things inside, but she would not have it. "I want this one." I sighed and handed it to her.

A few months later she came up from behind and tapped me on the shoulder. "Look," she said.

"Wow, Emma, you wrote your name?" I was sure Mario had helped her out but when I went downstairs to ask him if he had, he told me that he didn't even know where Emma was. "Seriously? You wrote this all by yourself?" She smiled and nodded yes. Well, okay then.

A year later my 4 1/2 year old daughter and I spent the night in the E.R. worried she might have appendicitis. Thankfully, she did not. But regardless we lost a whole night of sleep and my head grew a few more gray hairs in the process. I thought I was seeing things in the morning when I looked through the activity book they gave her to keep her busy and found this...

Now Emma is 5, going on 6, and about to graduate Kindergarten. This year has been an amazing time for her. She's been able to experience life in a classroom all by herself, with no brotherly entourage, and no comparisons or questions. She's learned to speak up and use her voice and has created friendships with children who like her for who she is and not for who she is related to. And it's in this academic environment that she's finally found the right sized hole for her intellectual peg...and she's been driving it in all year.

"Self-inflicted assignments" is what one teacher calls them. These are the extra pages of homework she steals from her brothers, the uncalled for weekend projects, the store-bought workbooks, the charts and diagrams and experiments and research and stacks and stacks of books she reads, that Emma insists on doing without absolutely anybody asking her to.

Today's self-inflicted assignment was an expository essay. Her first.

I must clarify that I am not that mom, you know, the one who you see kneeling at the park with her flashcards and a pencil box forcing little Timmy to read and write before he is ready. Nope, not me. I'm the mom standing next to her, cell phone on my neck, camera in one hand, Starbucks in the other, designer purse stuffed with band aids, fruit, and Purell slung over my elbow. Yea, that one. I'm also the mom who only gets to do this once and doesn't want to rush through this motherhood experience for fear that I might blink and miss it (except the needy baby stuff...I really tried hard to rush through that.)

So I really am impressed to see her do things like this all of her own accord. I honestly had nothing to do with it, she is a self-taught reader and writer. My only focus in her life has been for her to have FUN, lots and lots of FUN...on the sand, in the water, under the sun, with worms in her bucket and chocolate stains on her shorts. And maybe I haven't played fair. Maybe I've been holding her back a bit because somewhere deep inside I kind of want her to be a little bit more like me. But today I can see that she's just too good for that. So from now on I'm going to step down, hold my breath, extend my arms, and let her loose. Because I love her.

In just one year...

2011-06-09T22:45:00.000-07:00

In just one year my little Jacob went from learning to write the alphabet with no help...

To writing in his journal by himself...

He is one awesome little boy and I am very proud to be his Mama.

The Means To Provide

2011-06-06T21:42:00.000-07:00

Today Mario sent me this picture from his job site. It's an agricultural field just a few hours north from where we live. It looks pretty there, tranquil. The kind of place where you can breathe deeply and the air will taste clean. It's also most likely one of the very fields where my own father worked many, many decades ago. The kind of field where he spent most of his working years crouched over a crate picking produce, permanently baking his naturally tan skin into the rich color of coffee.

My father was a very humble man with a truly beautiful soul, much like that of a little girl I know today. He gave with his entire heart and without hesitation provided for everyone he loved with every means he had. It must have broken his heart to find himself disabled when he finally had a daughter of his own to provide for. It must have broken his spirit to not be able to give me the things he imagined I needed.

I was 21 years old when I met the most amazing guy. He was young and handsome with a great big smile and extremely kind eyes. He had absolutely every quality I ever wanted in a boyfriend and it was a matter of minutes before I fell deeply in love with him. When he asked me to marry him a few minutes later, I said yes without any hesitation. It didn't seem to matter at the time that he had absolutely nothing to offer me. No stability, no job, no plan A, or B, or C. In fact, the only thing he had was debt, a pair of Doc Martins, and an old car that broke down on the grass of my front yard.

I remember asking my dad what he thought of him. He asked me first, "Do you love him?" The answer was obvious. I nodded yes and he continued, "He's a good man. He's young but he will grow with you. He will provide for you. I like him a lot." My father saw beyond everything that was lacking, beyond the youth, and against the odds. My father knew that he was the man for me.

Today I read, "that the great advantage of having nothing is that everything becomes a gain." This couldn't be more true for the life I began 17 years ago with this man who had absolutely nothing to give but love. Every aspect of our life together has been a gain we created together. We could lose every piece and possession, but that would only put us back at the beginning, with the only thing we ever needed: each other.

Sometimes life can be so clear. Today I saw a another full circle in that picture of the field. The very soil that made the man who gave me my life became the means for the man who provides for me now. My father would be very proud to see how well that hopeful young man takes care of me today. He'd be very proud of the way we've grown. And I just know it would heal his spirit to see me have all the things he knew I needed.

Roman's Love Letters

2011-05-31T16:38:00.000-07:00

About 2 months back Roman wrote a letter to his teacher. He didn't tell me what he was doing and he didn't ask for my help. He just sat down and wrote it and when I read it I almost cried....

Today he wrote another letter to his teacher. This one after a putting her through a whole two weeks of his not listening, his misbehaving, his being on red. (red card means bad, green card means good) Again, he did not ask for my help this time. He just told me that he is giving her this letter tomorrow morning. I tried to warn him that it might set off the wrong impression and that teachers weren't allowed to accept such "gifts" but he told me, "No, Mom. It's mine and I want her to have it because I love her." Ooookay.....

Not bad for a five year old, right? Insightful. Reminds me of this moment:

Mario was talking about some man that was on TV wearing only chonies. Emma said, "eww dirty!" Roman said,"Dad, mom doesn't want to look at a dirty man. She wants a clean man that listens." So I say, "Roman that's all any woman wants: a clean man that listens. Don't you ever forget that!"

He might not have a girlfriend yet, but he sure does know a lot about women. And he sure does love his teacher...

I Lost My Charm

2011-05-27T19:30:00.001-07:00

He bought me the bracelet in Las Vegas back in 2003. This, at a time when all we had was each other and lots of free time and extra money to do all the things we liked to do. He had my initials E.Y.R. engraved onto the medallion. I loved the way it sparkled on my wrist and remember thinking how great it would look later that night on my martini-holding hand. And it did.

Fast forward a couple of years and the only drink I was holding at night was a bottle of warm formula. Actually make that three. My polished manicured nails were gone. The 4 inch heels got replaced by soft soled flip flops. My super precious LV collection got stored and replaced by a red satin diaper bag. The high maintenance hair became a ponytail of boring. The designer jeans….oh Lord…the jeans! Yea, those no longer went up past my knees. So you could say that for the next few years all you saw as I walked down the street was my stroller. And I became invisible.

Living a life I didn’t recognize myself in was at times a bit difficult to swallow. Other times, though, I’d feel guilty because I’d prayed so hard to get that new life in the first place. I lived somewhere in the spectrum of love and hate. When I looked at my babies I felt immense unexplainable bliss. When I looked in the mirror I felt neglected and rundown. Luckily for me, I didn’t really have much time to be looking at myself with them little ones running around. I’d have to say that the hardest part of all was meeting new people. I mean, making new friends was easy, the hard part was feeling like a fraud. Does that make sense? I felt as though anyone who met me post-kids had NO idea who I was before, who I still was inside. All they saw was this devoted, hard-driven workhorse in high-waisted elastic pants.

Over time, as life in babyland began coming to a close, I began to reclaim the lost pieces of myself. I found ways of incorporating the old me into the new me. I had to be sensible, though, and realize that this time around I’d have to be ‘me’ on a budget. I’d have to be ‘me’ on a lot less time. And I’d have to be ‘me’ on a post-triplet body. Yikes!

I was almost there in 2009 when I managed to lose most of my extra weight after finding an amazing doctor who brought me back to health and helped restore my belief in myself. I thought at the time that I’d made it, that I’d never be back in that dark place again. But I was wrong. I’ve come to find out that my life is a lot like an L.A. freeway. Sometimes you lose a lane due to construction. Sometimes you get off on the wrong exit. Sometimes you get cut-off or rear-ended and lose your car for a week. Once in a while you run out of gas. But most times, you are just sitting there, stuck in traffic.

Last year I lost my doctor due to a change in insurance causing my PCOS and my extra weight to come back with a vengeance. I also threw out my back and came to find out it was broken, causing me to stop moving and putting my feet back in sensible shoes. And as the year came to a close I began once again to feel invisible.

I was watching Oprah some time in January and she was yapping on and on about “living your best life” as she often was. She was also fat again. I felt that pain, I got her there. However, this time it was different. This time it seemed more urgent. The Oprah show would be ending in May. That meant that there would no longer be this woman who intrigued me in my teenage years, inspired me in my twenties, guided me through my 30’s, and most importantly educated me through my motherhood! There would no longer be someone to remind me that I needed to get off my ass and live my best life! So I got on it and vowed to fix everything that was broken before Oprah left the airwaves.

In the last 4 months I joined Weight Watchers and lost 28 pounds. I started seeing a new endocrinologist who is monitoring my health and seeing me through my PCOS. I got rid of my 8 year old night glasses and got a new snazzy pair that I can actually see through. I got my teeth cleaned, my one cavity filled, and all my nasty old grey fillings replaced with sparkly new white ones. I started walking again. I reorganized my closet, bought new summer clothes, got rid of all my 7 ½ high heeled shoes and replaced them with sexy yet comfortable size 8 ones. I also took out my charm bracelet, polished it up, and put it on.

Over the years I’ve added a few meaningful charms that help to tell my story. The first is a cross, the symbol of my faith in God. The second is a lock with a #3 on it, my lucky number. The third is a heart with XOXO, to remind me to hug and kiss my husband more often. The fourth is a special made charm with two boys and a girl standing side by side, my soul mates. The fifth is a martini glass, to let me know it’s OK to be me and to never forget that. And the sixth is a crown that I choose to wear around my neck instead, because I am the queen of my home and everyone can see me. I am not invisible.

Today, as I posted pictures of my kids on facebook, I looked down and saw that one of my charms was missing. Oh God!!!!!! No!!!!!! I began to scramble in my head, trying to remember when I last saw it. It was in the morning, during the meeting at the kid’s school. I grabbed my keys and drove down there. I parked my car in the front of the school and ran in. The lady in the office didn’t see it in the lost and found drawer. Of course not! I asked if I could go back to room 47 to see if it was still there. She said that was ok, and reminded me to look carefully on the floor taking the same walkways I took that morning to and from. I did, and no suck luck. The floors were empty, the desks and chairs were empty, the hallways were crowded with kids of all ages, and my charm was nowhere in sight.

I went back to the office and let her know I had not found it. She said to check again next week in case someone turned it in. Yea, right. “Just retrace your steps, and look down where you walked.” I thanked her and left. I walked back toward my car scanning the floor for something shiny and silver, but there was nothing except small pieces of trash and leaves. I got to my car and almost got in, but decided to “retrace my steps” and cross the street toward the spot where I’d parked that morning. I got to the corner and pressed the button for the light to change. I looked down on the floor and nothing. I looked back up and saw a man coming toward me. I pressed the button again, this time harder, faster. The man was getting closer. I looked down again and just like magic, it appeared! Right next to my foot! My Martini Glass charm!!!!!! I couldn’t believe it! I grabbed my charm in a tight fist and ran back to my car. And as I drove home, I began to cry.

I can’t forget to be who I am inside. It’s not selfish to want to be me. It doesn’t mean I love my children any less. It only means I have to love me a little more. As I returned my charm to its rightful place on my bracelet, I vowed to never lose that part of myself again. And for those times when I take the wrong exit in life and misplace myself, all I have to do is retrace my steps right back to where I can be found.

6 parties, 8 days

2011-05-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

I remember when they were little, I'd get the catchy triplet mom comment, "You've got your hands full" pretty much everywhere we went. And I suppose at that time, we did in fact have our hands full. But now that the toddler playdates, the midnight feedings, and diaper changes are just one nasty blur from our past, that concept has kind of changed. Now we have highly social kindergarten triplets in separate classrooms who thankfully feed themselves, change their own clothes, and make their own friends. However this new independent stage brought a whole new dilemma I did not see coming: birthday parties times 3. How many can we squeeze into one day? Into one weekend? Into 8 days?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nora had her Little Mermaid party at an indoor playground

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jonovan had his laser tag party at the park.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Daniel and Isaac had their combined Batman party at their house.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maya had her Barbie birthday party at an indoor playground.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lucy had her Minnie Mouse birthday party at her house.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and Adrianna had her Tinkerbell/Spongebob party at her house.

Yes, people, that was SEVEN presents I had to wrap, SIX places I had to drive to, SIX plates of cake and ice cream I had to consume (you like that, "had to" LOL,) and EIGHTEEN goody bags full of candy that I had to bring home and hide afterwards. Have I mentioned that we did all this in only EIGHT days?

The catchy triplet mom comment could now be:

"You've Got Your Calendar Full"

"You've Better Keep Your Gas Tank Full"

"You've Never Had Your Gut This Full"

But not to worry, I'm still standing. And still smiling.

Jacob's Quote of the Day

2011-05-22T07:50:00.001-07:00

As we drive away from the party on Friday night, Jacob tells me, "Mom, I had fun! I was chasing all the girls pretending to be a monster and they would run away screaming. I scared all the girls!"

Me, "Jacob!"

Jacob, "Mom, they weren't really scared. They were laughing."

Me, "Oh I see, so you were flirting with the girls?"

Jacob, "What's 'flirting' mean?"

Me, "When you try to be funny and silly to impress the girls and get them to think you are cute."

Jacob thought about it for a few seconds. "Yes, mom. I was flirting at the party and it was FUN!!!!"

LOL...again, should I worry?

Roman's Quote of the Day

2011-05-21T08:46:00.000-07:00

Driving to a birthday party yesterday with kids in van and iPod playing my favorite music....

Roman says, "Mom, what's up with your lazy music? When we're in the car with Dad, we listen to 'Duhn, duhn, duhn, screeech.....' He loves rock n' roll music but you love lazy music."

What's wrong with Love Songs from the 70's, 80's, and 90's? Are they lazy?

Emma's Quote of the Day

2011-05-19T21:11:00.001-07:00

Earlier I was on the phone with friend while Emma was setting the table. My friend was asking me for some "veteran mom" advice on the transition from toddler bed to twin bed. Emma was being nosy listening in and overheard me say, "Yes, I switched my kids to twin beds when they were 4 years old."

That's when she jumped up and said, "No mom, you made a mistake! You didn't switch us to twin beds, you switched us to triplet beds!"

LOL! Love her innocence.

The Chosen One

2011-05-08T15:28:00.000-07:00

Almost 20 years ago I had a dream that I was sleeping in my bed when the phone rang. It was my dear friend Jerry, who had died a year before almost to the day. He was calling to tell me he was sorry he didn't say Good Bye when he died and also to let me know that he was in heaven, with God, and that he was well.

He told me that heaven was a beautiful place, a place of joy and love, where everyone was happy and nobody felt any pain. He said it was also a lot like Earth, in that people in heaven also fell in love and got married, and wanted very much to have children. He said that the only difference was that in heaven they could not have children. This intrigued me and I asked, why? Why couldn't the couples in heaven have any children?

Jerry told me that it was simple: couples in heaven can not create life, because they are dead and thus have no life to give. Only the living can give life. However, their love for each other is so great and God loves them so much, that He allows for them to create a spirit in heaven. Immediately, they must find a couple on Earth to conceive and give birth and life to their baby for them. As the baby grows on Earth, the heavenly parents watch over him or her and wait until the day their child finally dies and returns to heaven to be with them forever. I woke up crying and wondering why I would have such a dream, one that seemed so real, when I realized something hard was poking my neck and reached back to find my telephone there in the bed next to me. I was only 19 years old at the time.

I have been a mother for almost 6 years now. I am 38 years old. It took a long time, down a very rough road, for me to get here. At times, throughout that journey, I'd wonder when a couple in heaven would finally choose me to be their baby's mother, but there was never an answer. And then it was something about the way I must have looked in December of 2004 that caught the eyes of not only one couple, but three. I'd like to thank my children's heavenly mothers today, for giving me the opportunity to know what real unconditional love and true responsibility are all about. And they are watching me. And I won't let them down.

Mother's Day 2005
Mother's Day 2006

Mother's Day 2007
Mother's Day 2008
Mother's Day 2009

Mother's Day 2010

Mother's Day 2011

Happy Mother's Day to all of us heavenly chosen ones!

Bye Bye Baby

2011-04-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

Just this week I overheard Roman and Emma saying, "Somebody around here has a mouth full of baby teeth...yeah, not us." Followed by a whiny sigh and resignation, "It's never going to fall out." Poor Jacob. He's almost always the last one to reach a milestone. Last one to write his name. Last to color inside the lines. Last one out of diapers. Last one to sit up. Last one to leave the hospital. Last one to be born. And yet, despite his apparent birth order curse, he is mostly one happy-go-lucky kid. The things that throw Roman over the edge usually just make Jacob pout a bit. When Emma gets scolded, she looks like her world might collapse while Jacob on the other hand, bursts out laughing. When he gets sick, he's symptomless. When he takes a fall, he gets right back up. Most things just don't bug him too much. But this tooth business, it kinda shook his core. I began to wonder if there wasn't any way for me to speed the dang thing along. I fed him crunchy food and flossed him extra hard but the stubborn little baby tooth just didn't want to budge. And just like when I completely gave up on his potty training, today I purposefully gave up on his baby tooth....

At least it made them laugh...

2011-04-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

Jacob and Roman were standing around, within my earshot from the kitchen, having a very deep man-to-man conversation.

Jacob said, "I've had lots of girlfriends. Lots of them. First one was the little girl with yellow hair, the one that lives down the street. What was her name? I can't remember. Then the second one was Melina, in preschool. Then this year there is Mia and Casynne."

(sorry to "their moms" who might read this. this just means your little girls are loved...LOL)

Roman, totally sad and pouting, "Well, I don't have a girlfriend. Michaela said she does not want me to be her boyfriend."

Jacob, "Well, what about (whispered in his ear)?"

Roman, "No Jacob. She's not my style."

Jacob, "OK, well what about (whispered in his ear again)?"

Roman, "No, no, she's not my style either. That's it. I'm NEVER going to have a girlfriend!"

Oh dear....

So I blurt out, "Roman, why don't you talk about this with Daddy? You know, back in the day, your daddy knew lots about girls and how to get a girlfriend."

And that's when they both looked up at each other and started laughing.

A Little Mother/Daughter Moment

2011-04-06T13:31:00.000-07:00

This morning I was standing in my bathroom about to start combing Emma's hair when I realized I had not yet put on deodorant. So before I completely forgot I grabbed it out of the cabinet and began to apply it. Emma looked up at my chest, pointed to my bra, and asked, "What are those?"

"Oh, you mean the pattern on my red bra?" She nodded, "They are snowflakes."

"Mommy, why do you have snow flakes on in April?" she asked almost in shock.

"Because this bra was on clearance. It was a great deal!" I smiled.

She stopped to analyze my reasoning and then looked up again, pointed to my breasts and said, "Can I have some of those, like you?"

"You mean my breasts?" She nodded very seriously. "Well, Emma, most girls take after their mom and seeing as how Nana has some, and I have some, most likely you too will have some when you grow up."

"But not brothers? Men don't get them?"

"No, not unless they are really fat."

And as I combed her hair in silence I started to think about how much I hoped to be wrong and that she doesn't get my breasts. I never really liked them. Most of my life I've found them to be annoying. The only time I cared for them was when I breast fed the triplets but soon after that ended I disliked them even more. They get in the way when you get a massage, they don't fit in button up tops, pretty dainty bras look big and husky, and any time I wear a slightly low cut top I feel tawdry and look as if I am trying too hard to show off something I am not. And mine aren't even big (by comparison to other's I've seen) but I certainly don't want to pass on my silly insecurities to my beautiful, innocent daughter who still has years to go before "getting" her own.

Then Roman walked in. "Hey, Emma...what's wrong?"

"Nothing, Roman. I am just deep in thought...can't you see?" and gave him that age-old pursed lips, beady eyed glance.

LOL!!!

Emma got a lesson in genetics and anatomy this morning. Roman got a lesson on approaching women who are deep in thought. And I was left wondering, she has my dimples...how much more of me will I see come out in her?

A very busy Fairy!

2011-04-04T19:37:00.000-07:00

Had I been able to plan their birth order, then one might suggest that I also planned the order in which their teeth fell out...just so it could all match! Emma lost her first tooth 2 days ago and today Roman's first one came out. Pretty much how they all came in as well. It's all very exciting to them. I guess at this age milestones aren't just for parents to enjoy! Well, no worries, this mom has enough enthusiasm for all three...just like the first time, every time. Roman was very careful to follow in his sister's footsteps and took almost all the same pictures as she did! Let's see if the Tooth Fairy is equally as loving and generous with all three....something tells me she will be.

say cheese!

Stars

2011-04-04T10:03:00.000-07:00

I know God put them here on Earth the same day, against all medical advice and despite the huge risks, for a reason. I know they will grow up to do genius, amazing things that will ultimately change the course of time. I believe in them with all of my heart. And no matter how big or small their successes may be, they will always be the stars in my eyes......

To Emma, for being a great friend, an enthusiastic learner, and for being trustworthy.

. To Jacob, for being a role model to all of his classmates. He always tries his best and is a hard working and motivated student. He is always eager to learn, and participate in class discussions.

To Roman, for his outstanding effort and attitude in school, and always being a kind and caring friend!

Coming Out Magic

2011-04-02T17:23:00.000-07:00

This day was once very important to me. April 2nd was the day that in 1986 I became the me I always wanted to be, the one I'd been holding tightly inside. It was on that very day that I was able to let go of my fears and inhibitions, and I held my head high and smiled slyly at the world for the first time since becoming an adolescent. That was the day I took off my heavy, painful, thick-lens glasses and saw my true face in the mirror for the first time in my life. At -700 and -750 I was almost legally blind and it had been, up until that point, impossible to see what my reflection in the mirror really looked like...at least not the real me. Getting my first pair of contacts on that day made me the happiest girl in the world. It was my coming out and it was magical. And every year on April 2nd I would celebrate the anniversary of my coming out because that's how much it meant to me.

Today, my daughter also had a coming out. For a month and a half since we first discovered her bottom tooth was loose, Emma has been babying it. She's refused to bite down on crunchy food or floss too hard for fear of it falling off. As excited as she was at the thought of the tooth fairy paying her a visit, she was also just not ready to part with her first baby tooth. Maybe a little part of her was scared of growing up, or maybe that's just what I'm feeling. In any case, today it dangled just a little bit too loosely and after lots of thought and a deep sigh she informed me that today her first tooth would be coming out. So she asked me to pull it. And I did. And tonight, magic will happen.

For the children, they mark, and the children, they know...

2011-03-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

When I was in 5th grade I found a book I fell in love with. I would check it out from the school library week after week and when they made me return it because someone else was waiting for it, I would get sad. I wanted to buy it at the bookstore so desperately but my parents really couldn't afford it. I know, that sounds so severe doesn't it? But its true. So I began saving whatever money I could get my hands on until I finally had enough to get it on my own. Where The Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein brought humor, tenderness, and depth to an otherwise greatly misunderstood life. On the outside, to some, we were the poster family for poverty living in the barrio in our one bedroom rental house. On the inside, to me, there was only a tremendous wealth of love and faith. Talk about drawing conclusions from only seeing the surface...I think many people would consider this poetry to be humorous, but minimal, perhaps only intended for the simple mind of a child. For me this was not the case. With its silly imagery, its perfectly precise rhythm, and its deep rooted messages, the poetry in this book encouraged me to escape to a world of imagination, lightness, and laughter. It gave me comfort to memorize line after line and when I learned how to read in between them, it helped me to discover the complexity of my simple mind. It allowed me to connect and identify myself.

Last week I began searching for my book in the kids' bookcase, in the boxes of books in the shed, and in the tops of my closets. Nowhere, no luck. Realizing it must be packed tightly between my teenage diaries and good citizen awards in one of the memory boxes in the garage I opted to just pick up a new copy at the store. Ironically, so easy to do.

Reading those familiar words after all the years of not seeing them was like catching up with an old best friend, so much to say...so much to share...so super sweet. The kids came in and jumped on my bed, "What's that book about? Will you read it to us?" Really?

Every night at bedtime storytime we jump into the various mini worlds of its poetry. We laugh out loud. They question new vocabulary. I tell them how it once made me feel. We read and re-read them at their request until I begin to hear them echoing the words. It's just like I remember.

Last night we found Roman and Jacob...and tonight we still can't let them go...

Me and him

Him and me,

We're always together

As you can see.

I wish he'd leave

So I'd be free

I'm getting a little bit

Tired of he,

And he may be a bit

Bored with me.

On movies and ladies

We cannot agree.

I like to dance

He loves to ski.

He likes the mountains

I love the sea.

I like hot chocolate

He wants his tea.

I want to sleep

He has to pee.

He's meaner and duller

And fatter than me.

But I guess there's worse things

We could be-

Instead of two we could be three,

Me and him

Him and me.

A Mother's Love

2011-03-23T15:17:00.001-07:00

Growing up with older parents I knew the day would come when I'd have to bury one or both them before I was ready to. But, I never thought I'd have to bury one of them while they were still alive. I buried my mom not long after my father died 10 years ago. Alzheimer's and dementia killed who she was. The spirit of unconditional love, of nurturing, and of doing right by her child has long been gone. All that's left is this woman who sometimes reappears slightly resembling who my mother was...but then in a few minutes she is gone. Mostly, its this stranger who says mean, hurtful things. Who takes a particular situation and twists and turns it around into something not real, something that never happened....into something ugly. Some days I ignore it, but other days it really hurts. I wish I had someone to share this with, but I stand here alone. I don't have any siblings to lend me a hand (please, people, especially you who are older...do NOT have only one child if you can possibly have at least two) and I don't have any friends who can say they truly understand. The few people I know who have ever had to deal with this with their OWN mother, are much older than me. Generally, they are not my friends, but my friends' parents or someone they know. And I've yet to meet anyone who has had to care for their unrecognizable mother in their own home while at the same time raising their young children, let alone triplets. I wish there was a way out, but it's a long dark tunnel with no end in sight. It would be so much easier for me if I could feel that she still loved me. But I don't. To people on the outside it probably appears as though I exaggerate. I hope they never come to find out for themselves that I don't.

Why me?

2011-03-02T19:19:00.000-08:00

I am not loving my life this last week. Mario left town (AGAIN) and ever since that day I have had at LEAST one sick kid at home every single day AND night. That means that I had NO BREAK for 168 hours straight. What kind of job does that to you? NONE, only motherhood. And it's only admirable if you are happy doing it...which this week I was NOT. So I don't even get brownie points for it because I can't stop complaining. And then today was the FIRST day they all went back to school...together. Aaaahhh, I was soooo happy! I ran a million errands and had lunch by myself (well with Max and Ruby at my feet) while watching Oprah. Then I get the call on my way to attend the 100th day festival at school...Jacob was in the nurses office hysterical and writhing in pain. So I abandon the other two at school and take him to the doctors all frantic thinking he dislocated a joint or something....but no THANK GOD he didn't. However now he is to be home "resting" tomorrow. WHAT? SERIOUSLY? What am I paying for? What did I do? Or is this layaway karma for something AWESOME that is going to happen to me soon? I don't know, but right now I really truly dream of escaping.

Thank You

2011-02-15T19:07:00.000-08:00

Today my children got a Thank You card in the mail. It's from a friend of ours who is getting married in a few months. She wrote to thank them for an engagement gift they gave her on Sunday. They will be in her wedding. This is the first time all three of my kids will be in a wedding party and needless to say we are all very excited about it.

But the reason for today's blog post actually has nothing to do with the upcoming wedding, but with the Thank You card itself. It's probably not a secret that Emma has been reading for quite a while now. It might not even be a secret that she pretty much taught herself that skill. And I am, of course, very proud of my little girl for reaching this milestone well before any of us expected her to. So when she picked up the card today and read it aloud, I was impressed, but not surprised. It was later, when Jacob came in the room and picked up the card and read it out loud, just as well as Emma, that my heart skipped a beat. When he was done he put it down and looked up at me and PRIDE reflected between my eyes and his. He ran to tell Roman what he had done and no sooner had he heard when he too picked up the card and read it out loud to me.

Today.

February 15, 2011.

My children, the three of them, read a Thank You card out loud to me. And it was just like that, in a quick flash that I remembered. It was not so long ago that I got a card in the mail too. It was a Valentine's Day card, I remember it so clearly. It was in Spanish. The font was embossed and the words were soft like lyrics. I can see myself holding it in front of me and reading it out loud to my parents. I can see my mother clapping and cheering and hugging me tight. I can see the pride in her eyes and hear the surprise in her voice. It was my first time too.

Sometimes its not the gesture of the card, or the meaning, or the message, but the simple fact that you can read those words out loud that captures the moment in time, forever.

Thank you, God, for allowing me to re-experience my past but this time through the admiring eyes of a mother.

Where do babies come from?

2011-02-02T19:54:00.000-08:00

One of my friend Mandy's triplets (and they happen to be born the same day/year as mine believe it or not) told her today where she thought babies came from. It was pretty funny and made me laugh to think of how the mind of a 5 year old processes that topic. It also made me wonder how much my own kids actually knew about it. So I asked them over dinner, "Hey guys, where do babies come from?" To which they all said in unison, "From the mommy's tummy!" OK. Too easy. So I went further, "But how do they get there to begin with?"

Jacob: That's easy. Their mommies put them in there! Oh...um...but....HEY WAIT...HOW DO THEY DO THAT?

Emma: I know, I know! God puts them in there!!!!

"and Roman, what do you think?"

Roman: Well, you have a man and a woman. They are dancing. And there is a man in the background and he is playing the piano. The man and the woman keep dancing and then right there....that is where they get the baby!"

Emma: So what is the right answer, Mom?

"Well, you need two people to love each other very much and you need God to decide if its the right time for them to have a baby. If it is, he gives them one by planting a little spirit from heaven inside her body and that spirit grows into a baby. Or three."

And they all smiled. And I did too.

I always wanted this life.

2011-01-13T19:48:00.000-08:00

Recently Emma sat at the table, pondering life I guess, and she made a statement aloud, one that I would never expect a 5 year old to make. It demonstrated complete gratitude for the blessings in her life, those things that money just can't buy. And it made me ponder my own life and reflect on the blessings I am thankful for. It has been several months since I have blogged about anything, but now seems like the perfect time to do it. These events are points in the graph of my life that I don't want to forget to thank God for having given me. There is too much I don't want to ever take for granted.

A weekend away from home (and kids!) to attend Mario's friends wedding. Thanks Grandma Rose for giving us a little freedom and some time to reconnect!

Mario takes each triplet on a one-on-one date to Disneyland. Roman got the chance to greet his favorite Toy Story characters up close on his special day.

He was able to breathe in 100% of dad's attention making him the most special little boy that day!

Even though I've told him many times what it feels like to be an only child, its only on days like this one that he can actually understand it.

Jacob was next to have a turn. With his dad's full attention, he worked up the courage to be part of Disneyland's Jedi Training Academy (something he didn't have the guts to do months ago.)

Jacob got spoiled and encouraged all day long. He was able to pick out his favorite rides and enjoy them all to himself.

As many times as I took them, I think this might have been his favorite visit of all. I can completely understand!

Emma waited very patiently for her date with dad. She probably got the best date of all since by now he was a "pro" at picking the hot spots and low crowd areas.

She smiled in every single picture, even the ones she didn't know were being taken. I am so happy for her having this experience.

There is nothing more precious than being daddy's little girl. I had a shot at that once so I know exactly how she feels. I hope she gets as great a life with hers as I got with mine!

On this day we got to see Julia (Jacob's Godsister) swing for the first time in her life! Seeing a baby smiling from ear to ear is a little glimpse of heaven! Thanks for giving us that, Julia!

I know it's only kindergarten so perhaps I shouldn't brag, but seeing my daughter win her first award at school made me the proudest momma bear anyone has ever seen!

She has an amazing teacher who shows her (and all the kids) such love, patience, and compassion that its no wonder Emma is flourishing in school!

Thank you Mrs. Rawcliffe!

At first I was hesitant to "replace" Mickey and ChaChaGirl, even though it had been a couple of years since they'd died. But after I held these two little lovies in my arms I knew it was right and not at all a replacement, but an addition to the love I've always had for my pets.

How can anyone resist such cuteness?

I am so eager to see all five of my babies grow up together.

It will be a bond unlike any other.

Max and Ruby Ragsdale, I thank God for you and the happiness you have brought into our home, our hearts, and our lives.

I thank God for giving me one more year to live the life I always wanted.

Being able to wear costumes to school....COSTUMES, my kids greatest joy in every day life....Priceless!!!!

I love experiencing the changing seasons through 3 sets of new eyes. The colors seem somehow richer, truer.

Roman, my little pilgrim, about to enjoy his classroom feast!

Jacob with his sweet friend Mia, about to enjoy their Thanksgiving Day feast as Pilgrims.

And Emma, also a pilgrim this year, enjoyed her feast at the head of a very long and very adorable table.

My dad used to say that Thanksgiving was his favorite of all holidays because it was the one day dedicated to thanking God for all his blessings...and because its such a selfless day. I think I agree with that...other than I really do enjoy all that food, and maybe that's a little selfish of me. Still, I am extremely thankful!!!

The cousins:
Roman, Emma, Lucy, and Jacob Ragsdale

Does this photo even need an explanation? Clearly, everyone can see why I am thankful for nights this fun, for drinks this sweet, and friends this amazing. I am and will always be thankful for Chris and Tanya and all my other Triplet Mommy Friends!

I am glad I can finally show the rest of the world that Los Angeles does indeed have
seasons.

Fall is quite pretty on our street lined with Liquid Ambers.

Oh Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah

and

Mamacita, Donde Esta Santa Clos?

were Jacob's Holiday performance songs

Roman and Emma sang,

Must Be Santa

and
This Little Light of Mine

My kids wrote a wish list for Santa for the first time in their lives.

Santa was not only kind enough to read them out loud, but also made sure they got everything on their lists! Now that's magic!

I could lie and say I remember every single moment of their lives because I dont, but I tell the truth when I say I remember the moment every single one of these pictures was taken.

Time flies, but thankfully so far, my memories stay.

This year it was Emma's rotation to put the angel on the tree. We downsized on the tree, but not on the traditions. That angel is the same one Mario and I bought on Christmas Eve 1994, on our first Christmas together. I think her eyes have surely seen some incredible changes since then.

Las Posadas

A tradition in our culture for the last 400 years, but the first time we do it in this family as completely as this.

I like to call this "the pilot episode." But only because its the first of many years to come :) And every year I plan on blowing it up bigger and more beautiful than the year before, God willing! Thanks to my neighbors who opened their doors to our songs and helped us spread the true meaning of Christmas.

Christmas morning was filled with cheers and laughter. The kids were so thankful for their presents and Mario and I thankful for God letting us witness such honest happiness.

Santa did not forget Nana. She was happy to open gifts in front of her cheering, hugging grandkids.

Some of the boys in the family...

Some of the girls...

And most of the Ragsdales were able to spend Christmas day as a family.

One of my favorite holiday traditions are the greeting cards that appear in my mailbox from the beginning of December through the 25th. Its the only time of year that I run to see whats in that box. It may seem silly to everyone else, but to me they are little reminders of the many blessings in my life: my family and friends and I truly treasure them.

Two months into their relationship with Max, their most loyal and best buddy!

And then there's Emma, who just adores Ruby and says she is her sister and best friend...awww. Well, I am glad she feels that way becuase it is pretty much the only sister she will ever have! LOL!!!!

I got a new camera for Christmas so obviously I wanted to take lots of pictures that first week. This is an example of what you get when you ask your 3 five year olds to stand real still and look real serious for a portrait.

And this is the kind of picture you get when you ask them to pose with their dad, the birthday boy.

Awww...

We were happy to go to the zoo with Rosy and her family who was visiting from Durango, Mexico.

The boys exploring a zoo cave together with their Fur Real Pets.

And Emma finding that new friendships can overide any language barriers.

Joseph and Jacob. One was my student, the other is my son.

Wow. You never know what life has in store for you.

Emma really liked the pretty (yet controversial) new elephant exhibit at the zoo.

I don't know what her views on animal rights will be in the future, but for now all she saw was peace and happiness and beauty.

It's a new year and a new decade.

I don't know what it will bring.

But I know one thing for sure,

I will be the best me that I can be.

I owe it to them and I owe it to myself.

I will make sure that my friends and family know how much they mean to me.

I will make sure that the meaningful traditions in our life are not forgotten,

but celebrated...to the fullest.

And I will be thankful for the pieces of our life that though at times seem to take away from us,

in actuality provide us with the means to be a family.

And there is nothing more valuable than that.

I will spend less time complaining,

and more time reflecting on those things I need to be thankful for.

I will not fear or resist change.

I will learn new skills to enrich my life.

And I will try to be as amazingly connected to my blessings as my daughter is to hers.

"I always wanted this house.

And I always wanted this Mom.

I always wanted these brothers and this Dad.

I always wanted this life."

Emma Ragsdale

1-11-11

Attitude

2010-10-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

My beautiful goddaughter Ali, who is 16 years old, posted this passage in her notes and I told her I loved it so much I wanted to add it to my blog. Not only do I agree with her and the author 100%, but I am also 100% proud of her for being so young and so capable of reflecting and setting her views on life. Sadly, I know many adults who've yet to realize the importance of a positive attitude.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes."

ATTITUDE
by: Charles Swindoll

Since You've Been Gone...

2010-10-25T05:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Papa,

In the ten years since you’ve been gone there has not been one day that I haven’t thought about you. I still remember the kindness in your eyes, the love in your words, and the way you always made me feel safe just by being there.

There never was and will never again be anyone who loved me so completely and unconditionally as you. The day I buried you, I was scared that I’d have to live the rest of my life without ever feeling that love again. But I was wrong. Your love never left me.

In the ten years since you’ve been gone I think I’ve managed to live my life in a way that would still make you proud of me. I wake up every day and vow to do the right thing. I try to always speak the truth, to never complain about the cross I’m meant to bear, and to live the day with integrity and self-respect. I’m not perfect, but I know that whatever it is I am was always good enough for you. So at the end of every day, I forgive myself.

In the ten years since you’ve been gone, I’ve tried to fulfill the promise I made to you that I would accomplish some kind of greatness for myself and that I would leave a positive imprint on whatever soil I am meant to walk on. This is an ongoing, never ending process. I won’t be able to say this is complete until I give this Earth my last breath. And even then, I plan to leave behind a piece of me to keep it going, just as you have left a piece of you with me.

In the ten years since you’ve been gone I’ve managed to care for my mother every single day. I know you never intended for me to have to care for either one of you in your old age, but really Papa, I know very few people who are fortunate enough to do so and I am proud of what I’ve done. In the end, I will have tried my best. I will not leave room for regret. You know it’s not an easy thing to do, but know the choice to do so is easy.

In the ten years since you’ve been gone I finished my college education. I know you saw me the day I walked across the stage and received my diploma. I know you smiled when I became teacher. And I know you held my hand as I walked to my classroom on the very first day. If you hadn’t, I might have turned around and run back because I was terrified! I know you held me up as I returned to work the second day, September 11, 2001. That was a day like no other. But in the end, all fears were gone. If I managed to impact at least one of those little lives in the years I spent there, then I managed to move the mountain I promised you I would.

In the ten years since you’ve been gone, Mario and I bought and made ourselves a home. You would have loved to see me accomplish this dream. It may not be a palace when you compare it to the houses around us, but when you hear the laughter that resonates through these walls and the affection that always lingers in the air you’d know there is no happier home around. Money can buy a house, but only love can make it a home. You raised me to believe that. And I grew up to make it happen.

In the ten years since you’ve been gone, I became a mother. This is where life came full circle and I’ve gotten to see a million pieces of you return to me. The way that Jacob laughs at my jokes sounds just too familiar. The way Roman points up his finger in the air when he is making an important point always brings a tear to my eye. The way Emma presses her lips, shuts her eyes, and nods her head when she sincerely agrees with something I say feels like you’re sitting right next to me. They have your endless compassion, your ability to forgive, your determination to succeed, and your innate drive to always do the right thing. They know things about you I’ve never told them. They talk about you as if you were always there. Their connection to you is effortless and I can’t quite as easily explain this in words. Just like when I was a baby and you were expected to die, I was told these three little souls might never get to live. In both cases, science was wrong and God was right. I think its no coincidence that they came to me when they did. I think it’s not at all surreal to say that before they were mine, they were yours. Of all the things I’ve done since you’ve been gone, none is as significant as this.

Today it’s been 10 years since the day I saw you rise into heaven to be with God. Today I will remember every happy moment I got so spend with you. Today I will feel your spirit all around me and I won’t feel sad or alone. Though I live much too far away to go and put flowers on your grave, I know that when I put a flower in my daughters hair, that you will feel it. Though my day is too hectic to put together a proper memorial for you, I know that when I sit in silence holding Mario’s hand later tonight, that I’ll be holding yours too. My life is not yet complete. Many promises are yet to be fulfilled. My time here on Earth is not quite over, but I know that when it is, I will see you once again. And I know that until then, you’ll be here.

The Animal Doctor

2010-10-15T18:44:00.000-07:00

Me: You see that right there? The Valley Animal Hospital? That's where we will be taking Max and Ruby for their check-up.

Emma: Why?

Me: Because they are little and need their shots. Also the vet needs to see them to make sure they are in good health.

Jacob: What's a vet?

Me: A vet is an animal doctor.

Jacob: It's a doctor that's an animal?!!?

Me: No, no, he's human. (me: laughing inside at how cute this is turning out.)

Roman: Well then mom, you don't want to say he's an animal doctor. You say he is a doctor for animals.

Ok, it sucks being corrected by a five year old. This is the second time this week that Roman is right and I am wrong. Hmmmm....(me: no longer laughing.)

Chatter

2010-10-13T16:00:00.001-07:00

Anybody that knows me knows that for years before I got pregnant I thought of having children. I would daydream about how awesome it would be to be a mom, and the things I would hear, and the things I would do. But, never, not in any of those dreams did I envision having babies. So of course I was dumbfounded when I found myself diapering, holding, breastfeeding, carrying, rocking, and soothing three super tiny babies with only two hands. I had somehow misunderstood that in order to have children of your own, you must go through babyhood first. So for five years I've been doing a great many things that, though I realize it seems un-motherly of me to say so, were totally unnatural for me. And not that I don't love babies, because they are super cute, but ay ay ay....

SOOOO much work! LOL!

And then today...

...as I prepared meatloaf a few feet away from them, they sat doing their homework while chattering non-stop about the things they did at school. They talked about the games they played, the food they ate, the funniest thing they saw, a secret they heard, a teacher they waved at, a child who called their name, and the color of the week all the while independently completing their homework. And I got to hear every giggle and exaggerated enunciation like a fly on the wall of one of my fondest daydreams. Thank you God, I've been waiting quite a while for a moment just like this.

10-10-10

2010-10-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to post today because its 10-10-10. Nothing other than that was spectacular about today. We went out as a family and hit three different stores to buy puppy supplies. They will be coming to live with us in just 9 more days! This is our nesting time and its a very exciting time for the 5 of us. I wonder if the puppies miss us as much as we miss them. Hmm...probably not, yet!

After all that we relaxed at home and I made baked chicken with rice and broccoli for dinner. Nothing new or out of the ordinary, except that Roman said it was the best chicken he'd ever had in his whole life. LOL. I guess five years worth of food critique has got to be worth something, right? And to prove they weren't kidding, they all asked for seconds.

So nothing spectacular, just another day

but one with a very cool name.

Update:

I just read that this type of October only happens once every 823 years. What's so special? It has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays!!! Maybe it's all more spectacular than I realized!

100 Lessons Learned

2010-10-03T17:24:00.000-07:00

Every summer the kids and I get to know each other better. We get to play without limits, explore until the sun sets, and party till we drop! This year was no exception. There was so much living, learning, and growing going on that I didn't have time to update more often and so I decided to "summer-ize" it into only one blog. This is what we got out of our 100 days of summer:

*****

We learned that turning five years old is a milestone that must be celebrated to the fullest!

*****
With three pinatas filled to the max,

*****
With Taco Cart Catering to delight all 100+ guests, young and old! YUM!

*****
With nice cool tropical juice to keep the parents entertained!

*******
And three Krispy Kreme Doughnut cakes to keep mommy's duties to a minimum.

*****
We learned that 4th of July at Nana Marti's house is a tradition that gets better every year!

*****
And that fireworks can be held, and wont burn your fingers if you let go in time :)

*****
We learned that Disneyland is the best place for a princess to celebrate her birthday,

*****
And that two handsome pirate birthday boys get lots of attention from the ladies.

*****
We learned that mom is totally cool with Emma wanting to grow up to be a popcorn seller (so long as she's the owner of the company)

*****
and that we can own a pirate ship when we grow up, as long as it's a recreational vehicle and not a home.

*****
Mommy learned that she really does need a third eye like Alien, just like we told her the first time we saw him...

*****
yep, one eye for each of us!

*****
We learned that Mickey is always happy to see us,

*****
that we are always happy to roam his home,

*****
and that Mommy and Daddy are always happy to drive home in peace and quiet!

*****
We learned that the best part about taking a family vacation is being together.

*****
But that sometimes Mommy deserves a Cinderella Date...

*****
and that's when knowing an awesome fairy godmother comes in REAL handy!

*****
We learned that Mommy actually had a life before us, with friends we never knew...

*****
And that she can have way too much fun without us there attached to her hip.

*****
Mommy learned that the best vacations are all about eating meals she didn't cook in front of a view she didn't have to pay for.

*****
But that as hard as she tries to say everything is OK, some things never really are.

*****
The brothers learned that sometimes you don't need a mirror to check how you look...

*****
and that the Shades Family looks great in front of a postcard backdrop.

*****
We learned that Shamu welcomes all of its triplet guests with open arms...

*****
and that mommy's mouth is thankfully not as large as a sharks or we would hate being in trouble!

*****
Mom and Dad learned there is one mammal out there that can bark louder than we can,

******
We learned that as we get older the rides get more thrilling, more dangerous, and way more wet!

*****
Mom learned that its an indescribable feeling watching her own children jump in an area formerly known as Captain Kidd's World...just 30-something years later.

*****

We all learned how the imprints we leave now will affect the world for thousands of years to come.

*****
But that through the years, some things will always remain the same.

*****
We learned that the best things come in three...

*****
and that early birds catch the first worm in a theater all to themselves.

*****
We learned that mommy has a lot more in common with this ocean than just the color of her dress. This is where she came from, where her story began.

*****
We learned that just when we thought there was no room for improvement, Corvette Diner went and made itself more fun!

*****
We also learned why people like to stay up past their bedtime!

*****
Jacob learned that his Saints Day will never be forgotten, even on vacations.

*****
and that maybe these two do look alike after all.

*****

We learned that dad likes to plant subliminal messages whenever he can.

******

And that its super hard to say good bye to good times.

*****
We learned that friends' birthday parties are the highlight of summer.

Games, candies, cake and ice cream, what's not to love?

*****
We learned that sister is the only little girl we know who saved her birthday money in order to buy Lotso, the evil charachter from Toy Story 3. Why? Oh, because she wanted to change out his batteries, reset him, and make him a good guy forever. Oh, Emma. The world is already a better place with you in it.

*****
We learned that Dad used to be a body builder

*****
but that he ain't got nothin on all this!!!!

*****
We learned all about a backayrd lizzard named Tommy. We learned that loving him, meant letting him go.

*****
We learned that at the LA Zoo they don't let go of their animals, but instead keep them there for us to see and also invite our favorite cartoon characters for us to meet.

*****
This summer we learned...

*****
how to swim...

*****
without any fear and without any water wings!

*****

We learned how to put on a play (such as Toy Story), and also learned the value of an understudy (note the phone, the Star Wars piggie bank, and the Bumblebee that don't quite match)

*****
We learned that blood is thicker than water...

*****
because it pulls, and bonds, and makes you love as if you've been together every day of your life.

*****
We learned the value of male bonding over a game called football in a stadium called Qualcomm.

*****
Dad learned that dreams do come true,

*****
and we learned to make new dreams of our own.

*****
We learned that Nana Marti loves us enough to buy a huge inflatable pirate ship for her pool

*****
and a little one, just for the little lady.

*****

Emma learned that getting mail from her favorite double Godsister is the most special feeling in the world.

*****
And that Mom was 100% right. Girlfriends are the sisters mommy couldn't give you.

*****
We learned that being 3rd generation friends is something you are born into.

*****
but having so much in common...that's just luck.

*****
We learned that adopting a pet is a very important family decision...

*****
but adopting TWO is a major family blessing!

At the end of summer we will welcome Max and Ruby Ragsdale into our home, our lives, and our hearts, forever.

*****
We learned why Mommy says that So Cali people pay higher taxes for a reason...

*****
the icy cold, sun kissed, sparkling blue, dolphin embracing Malibu waves are that reason.

*****
Emma learned how to pose like a starfish,

*****
Roman learned how to pose like a superstar,

*****
and Jacob learned how to pose like a superhero.

*****

We all learned the value of a Kindergarten Welcome Picnic at our new/old school!

*****
We learned that beautiful girls come in every shade, size, and shape!

*****
and that rambunctious boys get the pool all to themselves...

*****
But in the end, we're all just happy to be together.

*****
And sad when we realize we will no longer be.

*****
We learned that the best things in life are free...

*****
Like the breeze between our toes,

*****
free falling with a friend,

*****
cool water on a hot day,

*****

laughing so hard you tip over,

*****

teaching your dad to play dolls,

*****

eating a breakfast picnic at the park,

*****
realizing you are the BIG kids at a 1st birthday party,

*****
and just simply hanging around at HOME.

*****
I learned that God made me beautiful inside and out.

*****

I learned that God made me beautiful inside and out.

*****
And we learned that being together

*****
never gets old.

*****
We learned to stop and listen to the love all around us.

*****
We learned to really see how special our lives are.

*****
And we learned that it's not bragging to let everyone know it.

*****
It's reinforcing.

We are proud of who we are

and thankful for what we have.

Together.

*****
But then one day toward the end of summer

we got woken up and learned that from now on

we'll be...apart.

*****

That new lives have been carved out for us.

*****

That Roman needs to learn to be confident.

*****

That Emma needs to learn to be outgoing.

*****
And Jacob needs to learn to be independent.

*****
And that in order to do this, we must go at it alone.

Even if it means we are only together in our hearts.

*****
At the end of the day, we get to reunite and learn something new about each other.

*****
And in the end, we will learn that every experience

will make us stronger.

And this strength will be ours to keep, just as the uniqueness that makes us special will be all ours.

Forever.

September 11, 2001

2010-09-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

Nine years ago today 2,977 Americans died, and one was born.

*************

My father immigrated to this country from Mexico as a young man in the mid 1940’s through the Bracero Program, aimed at hiring much needed farm/field workers from across international borders for very low wages. He worked hard, lived honestly, and proudly spent the rest of his life in many of the Western United States, though mostly in California. In his mid 40’s he married a woman from Mexico, and they had a child (me) while briefly living across the border while her immigration process took place. I was born in Tijuana, Mexico during this wait and lived there the first two years of my life. I have no real memories of this time.

What I did have, however, was an incredible amount of patriotism toward my native land. I grew up knowing that my birthplace, my family, and my traditions were deeply rooted in a place I really didn’t know. I knew the language, the culture, and the warmth of this place, but only through the knowledge given to me by my parents and my family. This was an incredibly important part of my life, of my identity. Mexico is who I was: the face and hair and bone structure I could never deny, and never wanted to. But this was only one half of me.

My other half was growing up here, in the U.S.A. I learned the language, I went to school, I made friends, I celebrated the traditions, I received diplomas, and I fell in love…here. This is where every memory I’ve ever had came from. And this was the life I knew for myself. Nobody had to influence me, because this was simply reality. It was tangible. I could see it, I could feel it.

But in my heart, I couldn’t completely own it.

When I was at school, or out in a store, or walking through the park I was a minority. Nobody ever said anything to me, but it was evident that I was different, just an immigrant, from somewhere else. It was clear that although this land was all I ever really knew, that it didn’t really belong to me.

When I visited family in Mexico, or watched their programs on TV, or listened to the music it was undeniable that I did not have everything in common with the people living there. I was often told that I didn’t really belong, because I lived “on the other side”, that I was not a real Mexican because my Spanish wasn’t perfect. That I was only a visitor, a spectator, a foreigner who was trying to be someone I was not.

And this is how I spent most of the years of my life, like Humpty Dumpty sitting on top of a fence, not really knowing in which direction I would fall when the time came. I spoke two different languages, loved two different cultures, knew two different realities, and I was not allowed to choose because I would be a traitor if I did, regardless. Lose, lose.

At 23 years old I married the love of my life, a young man who had already given 6 years of his life to the United States Navy. He believed in his country, in its principles, and its rights. He, although of Mexican descent, never doubted where to place his loyalties. He knew who he was, where he lived, and where he served. And somehow I thought by marrying him I would acquire these beliefs, this certainty, automatically. So I decided it was time to make the choice and finally applied for citizenship. I was sure this would work.

In May of 1998, at 25 years old, I stood before a judge with hundreds of other immigrants, and I vowed to uphold the Constitution of the United States. I promised to love this land and stand its ground until the end. My father hugged me, my mother gave me flowers, and I stood tall. I sang the words to the National Anthem, and I was given a certificate that proved where I truly belonged. That day I became a United States Citizen.

So that’s it, right? That was the end of the confusion and the uncertainty and I could finally come down from that fence, right?

Wrong.

I drove home that day realizing nothing had changed. Sure, I had a paper that “said” everything was settled, but that’s all it really was, a paper. Sure, I had memorized the 100 question quiz and could recite the original 13 colonies. I knew the facts well. But that’s all they were, facts. In my heart, I was still insecure, still just an outsider holding a ticket that said I was in.

Fast forward three years, to the early morning of September 11, 2001. It was my second day on my brand new job as a 5th grade teacher. I woke up at 5:45am, eager to get dressed and ready for work. I was motivated to make a difference in all those new little lives I’d been given, and I didn’t want to waste any time.

That’s when my phone rang. It was my neighbor calling to ask me if I knew, to tell me something terrible, horrible was happening, to turn on the TV to any channel. And I did. And I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was like a bad dream. I saw the replayed footage of the first plane hitting the North tower of the World Trade Center in New York City just minutes before. Then as I was watching live coverage of the smoke rising from the top of the building, I saw a second plane hit the South tower. And that’s when I fell to my knees and cried and prayed with an intensity I’d never felt before. I prayed to God for this to stop. I prayed for the lives of the Americans inside those towers, and for their families at home watching them die. I prayed for the hatred, the revenge, the pure evil that this was, to just end. Then I realized that I was now living in the second largest city in the United States and that chances were that we were next. So I prayed for my family, my friends, my students, and myself. I prayed for every American whose life was now at risk, destined to end. And that’s when I felt it, that’s when I knew.

THIS is the country that I loved and would fight for, the nation I would stand ground on until the end. THIS is who I really was and THIS is where I belonged. THIS is the land that raised and loved me, and THIS is where I would fall.

And it was on this day that an American was born.

And her soul is truly beautiful...

2010-07-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

She said, "Mommy for my birthday I want to get my nails done with you, where you go because I want to look like a princess." Ok, I know she is still too young to make this a habit, but I figured that getting her nails painted for the very first time should be something special. And turning five years old IS something special. So I said, yes.

She was so excited to meet Lucy (my manicurist) and to sit on that great big chair with the foot spa underneath her feet. She barely fit in it but she was the happiest person there!

She was also extremely patient and still. She watched with amazement as Lucy painted little white flowers on each of her nails.

Then she sat there and waited forever for them to fully dry. She also got her toes done!

In the end she was the happiest child in the whole world because she was able to look down on her fingertips and see the outer beauty that every child likes to see. And that is the one part of my daughter that makes her as normal as any other little girl I've ever known. And there is nothing wrong with that! But my daughter is also anything but typical when it comes to the true beauty of her soul...

She came to me one day earlier this year and asked me what Locks of Love was. I told her it was a charity set up where anyone can donate their long hair to make wigs for children who don't have any hair due to illness. She asked me to explain what "donate" meant. I said donate means to give someone something of yours, something you treasure, something they really need. She said, "Mommy, I want to do that. I want to donate my hair."

I asked her if she was sure. I didn't want to discourage her from doing it, but I wanted her to know that once you cut off your hair its gone for good. You can't glue it back on, and I reminded her how much she loved her long hair. She said, "It's OK mommy. It will grow back. I want to do this." and I could barely hold back my tears. My cousin got it right when she said, "this is the kind of thing you just can't teach them." She's right. It comes from within....deep within.

When I told my hairdresser this story she told me to bring Emma to her salon and she would donate her services and cut her hair free of charge. Its amazing to see the seed of generosity that my daughter has planted on this day. When people say, "pay it forward" I think this might be exactly what they mean.

In a few short minutes, the hair that took her five years to grow, the hair we carefully washed, conditioned, trimmed, and kept braided every night was snipped away and shipped off in an envelope. Tonight Emma went to bed feeling the back of her neck and smiling. Tomorrow, a child many miles away will put on her hair and look in the mirror and see the outer beauty that every child loves to see. And I truly hope that makes her or him the happiest child in the whole world.

After we left the salon I took Emma out for a special lunch, just for her and me. I quickly sent out a mass text to our family and friends to let them know what she had done because I was so ridiculously proud and they all replied with beautiful words and compliments, all of which I read aloud to her. And that's when I realized something. Emma was not fazed at all by the tremendous gift she gave today. She's always been generous and humble and this spirit of giving, its just natural to her. Like breathing. If only we could teach such a thing.

"True beauty of the soul lies within one's ability to give without self-purpose and Emma’s soul is truly beautiful."

Basketball Boys 2009

2010-06-18T21:33:00.000-07:00

This is an oldie but a goodie! I will need to make a newly updated video of the boys playing basketball this year now that they have learned all the proper skills! Being Junior Lakers has meant the world to them. And then, watching their favorite team play last night and win the championship has made their week! Aww....its no secret to anyone that I totally don't like sports...HOWEVER I love that my children do and I will always support them 100% in this.

So, how...?

2010-06-13T21:30:00.000-07:00

Don't you love it when you are all innocent, just giving your kid a routine bath when all of a sudden...

"Was it heavy having three babies in your panza?"

"Yes, very heavy."

"Did it hurt?"

"Sometimes."

"And how exactly did we crawl out of your panza to be born?"

"Well, you didn't really crawl yet."

"So, how did we get out?"

"Well, the doctor used a knife to cut a little hole on the bottom of my belly."

"A kitchen knife?"

"NO! A special surgery knife." (actually in retrospect I believe he used a laser, but maybe this answer was easier)

"And then how did we get out?"

"Well, he had to stick his hands inside the opening and pull you out one at a time."

She smiles.

"Can I see the hole?"

"OK, but its just a scar now."

She stares at the scar and reaches over to touch it.

"And did he wear gloves?"

"Yes, of course."

"Were they like your green gloves, the ones under the sink?"

"Well, something like that, but more special. OK bath over. Get out. NEXT!!!!! Rooooman hurry!!!"

DEEP SIGH......OK, who said 4 year olds only want a simple answer? And can I just say THANK GOD I had a C-Section and NOT a vaginal birth if for these series of questions alone!!!!!!!!!!

I am starting to fear that Emma's immense curiosity is killing the sweet innocence I thought she'd have forever.

83

2010-05-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

I do realize that the years are numbered. I think they realize that too. The beautiful thing here is that their souls are connected in a way I was afraid wouldn't happen because of the limitations of her condition. But I was wrong and I'm happy about that. I'm happy children's judgement over illness isn't harsh and that forgiveness comes as easily as forgetting. Apparently restrictions are only as significant as we allow them to be.

She is all they've ever known. She is their Nana and theirs alone, the only treasure in their lives they will never have to share with anybody else. And they love every bit of her, wrinkles, white hairs, miscommunications, forgetfulness, and all. It's true that most 4 year olds don't have 83 year old grandmothers to share a house with, but mine do. And they couldn't be more proud. Whatever time we've got left is all ours and we will leave very little room for regret.

Happy Birthday Mama ~ Madrina ~ Nana!

...may God give you many more years of happiness by our side.

Happy Birth Day!

2010-05-22T21:22:00.001-07:00

When I looked up at her nest today I saw three little open beaks poking up toward the sky. I know I had no business interrupting them on their birth day but I couldn't help myself. Just like those nosy, but well-intentioned strangers who used to poke their heads into my stroller to get a peek at my three hungry baby birds, today I poked my big-o-head (and my camera) into Mamita Chiquita's nest and saw her newborn triplets. Luckily she didn't catch me up on that ladder or she might have pecked at me in their defense. Ahhh...it felt all too familiar. So I snapped and got down quick.
And just like all good triplet mommies know, when the babies are hungry, you best get your butt back to your nest and feed them or else. Mamita Chiquita's party days are over. No more "me" time. LOL! Today I caught her leaving and coming back continously, the poor exhausted thing. Wish somehow I could help her, but some of us have to learn to handle this all alone.
Mamita Chiquita, in case you never come to realize this on your own, you are an amazing lady bird mother, full of love and devotion for your three newborn birds. Nature and instinct will take its course and you will know just what to do until they spread their own wings and fly...fly...fly away. And in case you wish to return again next year, I'll be here waiting.

My 5 seconds...

2010-05-14T20:49:00.000-07:00

What happens when you get 5 seconds of fame and it all goes to your head?
I made my television debut Thursday night as one of Nancy Grace's Crime Fighting Facebook Friends and I couldn't be more proud! Oh what, oh what, will I do when I get the next 14 minutes, 55 seconds?

I'm coming out...

I'm coming out

I want the world to know

Got to let it show

I'm coming out

I want the world to know

I got to let it show

There's a new me coming out

And I just had to live

And I wanna give

I'm completely positive

I think this time around

I am gonna do it

Like you never do it

Like you never knew it

Ooh, I'll make it through

The time has come for me

To break out of the shell

I have to shout

That I'm coming out

I'm coming out

I want the world to know

Got to let it show

I'm coming out

I want the world to know

I got to let it show

when you fail...

2010-05-14T19:53:00.001-07:00

I walked downstairs to a pile of salt on the floor. I actually might not have noticed it if Jacob hadn't pointed out that Nana made a mess with the salt shaker. AAAAAAAAAAAARGH! So all manic I yell at the kids to go sit on the couch until I am done cleaning the floors because they managed to spread the salt EVERYWHERE with their feet as they ran around playing. Every step I take feels gritty. I'm totally ticked off sweeping and complaining that I just didn't have time for this right now and how exhausting it is to have to clean up everyone's mess around here and that they should pray that I die before I get old so they never need to take care of me. And that's when I notice Roman on his couch, hands clasped together by his chin, eyes shut, whispering, "Dear God. Please let mommy die before she gets old and we have to take care of her. Amen."

Noooooooooo.....

Oh God, I'm failing today. Today I get a great, big, fat F. I'm a bad mother AND a bad daughter.
:-(

The Special Lady Bird

2010-05-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

“What’s her name?” Emma asks me.

“Her name is Mamita Chiquita,” I reply.

“Why is she sitting there?” Roman wants to know.

“Because she is a good little mommy and she is warming her eggs until the teeny, tiny babies hatch.”

We smile.

“What will happen after they hatch? Will she stay here to live with us?” Jacob optimistically asks.

“No, after they hatch and grow and spread their wings and fly all on their own, she will leave and we will most likely never see her again.”

“Oh.”

On May 11, 2005 I was told by the perinatologist on-call who met us at the hospital that I would not be going home that night. They needed to make sure that I didn’t go into labor too soon, and at 22 weeks, it was way too soon.

So I stayed the weekend, patiently lying on my hospital bed, praying that the contractions would stop for good and that I might be released and head back home. But that was not the case for me. I was told after the weekend that I would not be going home until the very end. Until I gave birth, and gave life, to three very teeny, tiny little babies of my very own.

I want to say that most people who spend time in a hospital, due to illness or injury, are eager to get better, get out, and forget they ever needed to be there. They might stay for a few days, or for a week, and they will complain about the food, complain about their lack of comfort, and complain about their cranky night nurse who wakes them up at midnight to take their vitals.

Well, I was there eight weeks. I spent that time lying on a narrow uncomfortable bed, eating unsalted, non-fat food that rotated in availability every few days, and drinking brown decaf water. I wasn’t allowed to walk around the hallways. I wasn’t allowed to remove the belts and monitors that woke me at night. I wasn’t even allowed to get up to get my own water. I was there, like that, for eight long weeks. But unlike most people who spend time in a hospital, I wasn’t there to get better, I wasn’t expecting to get out, and I never ever want to forget why I needed to be there in the first place.

The doctors, the interns, and the nurses in charge of my care were phenomenal. They really went out of their way to make sure I was as comfortable as I could be. They were always positive, kind, and encouraging. My head nurse was so sweet. She went out of her way and made sure I was given a nutritionist (with a much better menu), a physical therapist (to work out my limp noodle muscles and help alleviate the pain) and pool therapy 3 days a week! (For my sanity and relief) I can’t say enough about the professional medical staff that cared for me. My babies would not be here today if it hadn’t been for them.

But in this story, I want to give thanks to some others who were there for me. You know how they say that angels walk amongst us, disguised as humans, to make our world a safer, better place? Well, I can testify to that. It’s true. I met some secret angels while I was there. And what they did for me, what they gave to me at a time when I most needed it, well, I am afraid there aren’t enough words to thank them for that.

The first angel was a lovely lady who came to my room every other day to collect the used linens and bring me clean sheets and towels. She would walk in, tall and beautiful, always with a smile on her face. She’d ask me how I was, how the kids were treating me, and then she’d crack a joke to make me laugh and forget how miserable I felt. When she found out that I was staying at a hospital far away from my family and friends and that very often I felt lonely just sitting there, with few visitors, she came to my rescue. Every few days from then on, she would walk in with a newly released movie on DVD (I didn’t ask, and I didn’t tell…lol) for me to watch so that I would feel “more connected to the world I was used to.” I never asked her to do this for me. She just did it out of the kindness of her heart. And that small act of kindness on her part brought long hours of happiness to me. And it’s a gesture I will never forget.

The second “set of angels” were some much older ladies that I met during my pool therapy sessions. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday a nurse would come by my room with an oversized wheelchair and she’d wheel me down to the hospital pool on the ground floor. During this time, the senior citizen arthritis group had their exercise class in there. I was allowed to go in the pool and just float around and relax for the hour-long class. I can honestly say these sessions were the highlight of my 8 week stay. Being submerged in water took away all the pain and all the pressure I felt from laying in bed with three very active babies on top of my lungs, my heart, my ribs, and every single necessary organ. I felt “not” pregnant in the water and it felt so good! But my favorite part was socializing with the ladies in the class. They were so sweet to me. They loved to compliment my oversized dress-like bathing suit and they loved to reminisce with me about their own pregnancies from a great many decades before. Its amazing how these women recalled with such detail how their bodies felt then, how clearly they described their pregnancies to me, as if they’d just lived them. Some shared with me how they’d survived their pregnancies through wars, depressions, and lack of medical care. Some shared with me how their pregnancies had not survived. But all of them felt connected to me and I felt connected to them. In the dressing area they would come close to me and ask to feel my huge exposed belly. I loved how sincerely their grandmother-like hands blessed my babies within. They told me how they’d started prayer groups for me at their various churches and how during mass they got their priests to say a special prayer for me. One lady came in one day with a beautiful box. When I opened it I found a small prayer book, a rosary, and a picture of the Virgin Mary. She too was a mother, she said, and these items she’d had blessed for my babies. She promised me that with faith, it would all turn out beautifully. And it did. And I thank every single one of those ladies for restoring my faith in my pregnancy and in the power of prayer.

The final angel was an older lady who came into my room every day to take out the trash, sanitize the equipment and mop the floor. She was so sweet and soft-spoken. She would always tiptoe in, just in case I was taking a nap, so as not to wake me. She loved to talk to me about her grandchildren and her home. She said at home she had many beautiful birds that were her pets. One day, deep into the 6th week of my stay, I experienced a total meltdown. I had been feeling somewhat depressed about being there like a prisoner and I wanted out. I wanted to sneak out the door, crawl past the nurse’s station, and then run down the hallway to the elevators. Of course, this was only a fantasy since I’d never actually try something like that, but a part of me was suffering inside from staring at the same four walls, day in, day out. A part of me was desperate. I remember talking to a friend on the phone earlier that day and expressing how much I wanted the babies to be born already. “Don’t say that. You don’t mean that. 28 weeks is too young to be born and you care too much to quit now.” But I did mean it. And I didn’t care anymore. I was sick of being there.

That day while I was taking a shower a new nurse came in and changed my bedding. And with the used linens, she also threw out my favorite super soft blankie that I’d brought in from home. Down the linen shoot it went, to the land of the lost blankies. When I came out of the shower and found out it was gone I melted down. I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried, until I fell asleep from crying so long. When I woke up my eyes were swollen and raw, the lunch tray was next to me cold and untouched, and the sweet older lady was tiptoeing out trying not to make any noise. When she saw that I was awake she asked me if I was ok. When I told her that I didn’t know anymore she asked if she could tell me a story about one of her birds. Even though I wasn’t really in the mood, I agreed. She told me how she’d bought a very special bird that she’d been trying to breed for a long time now. She’d tried many times to get her to “connect” with the other male birds but to no avail. She had finally just given up on her when she noticed a small egg on top of the nest in her cage. She’d done it! Her special lady bird had finally laid and egg and this very day she was sitting on her nest keeping it warm.

I smiled for her, for her happiness over her special lady bird and because she had tried to pull me out of my depression with her nice little story. But it hadn’t worked. I still felt like crying.

“I’ve been working here for many years now. I’ve worked in every floor of this hospital. I hate the 4th floor. It’s so depressing. That’s where the cardiology patients are. I’ve worked in the cancer treatment wing as well. I hate it there too. But now I get to be here, in the women’s pavilion. This is where I’m happy. You ladies are so special to me. I love visiting every room and sitting down to chat with you, to hear about your plans for your babies, and to see your faces glowing with love. And every day when I go home I say goodbye to you girls. I imagine you are all these beautiful birds that have come here to nest. You sit on your nests day in, day out, only getting up maybe once a day. You are so dedicated, so loving, and so strong. You have given up everything to be here because you are mothers and your babies are your priority. But just before I get too attached to you, I remind myself that you are only here for a very short while. That as soon as your little eggs hatch, you will fly away with your new babies, and I won’t ever see you again. But just know when that day comes for you, that day when I come in here and see your empty bed, your pictures gone, and your suitcase missing, I will pray for you.”

That amazing story, that powerful moment that took my breath and tears away renewed the spirit in my soul. I lived the remainder of my 8 week sentence in a completely positive state of mind. I stopped thinking about myself, I stopped trying to escape, and I clutched tightly to my nest because I realized that I was living only a tiny fleeting moment of the enormous, remarkable journey that is motherhood.

It’s no coincidence that Mamita Chiquita has come to nest on the eave of my porch five years to the week of my admission to the hospital. It’s no coincidence that she came to me only 5 days away from celebrating Mother’s Day with my little birds. But it’s no less breathtaking to recognize why she means so much to me.

Emma's Quote of the Day

2010-05-04T17:23:00.000-07:00

We're in the car, buckled in, and ready for take off when Emma blurts out, "Mom, aren't you going to move your seat back?"

"No, why would I do that?" I ask.

"Dad does."

"Well, dad is bigger than me so he needs to move his seat back in order to fit. If I move my seat back then my feet wont be able to reach the pedals."

"What? You have pedals down there? You mean all this time you've been pedaling the car???"

If we had a pedaling car I'd be much thinner than I am!!!! LOL

From the E.R. to writing a Paragraph

2010-04-15T16:50:00.000-07:00

Emma gave us quite a scare. She had a stomach flu that took us to the E.R. last night because we were afraid it was mimicking the symptoms of Appendicitis.

As it turned out, four hours, 1 blood tube, 1 urine sample, a chest x-ray, an abdomen ultrasound, some antibiotics, and one bag of IV fluids later, it was just a stomach flu AND a urinary tract infection.

Glad I took her in and found out about the infection, but even more happy that God heard my prayers once again.

My little girl is safely back into her groove today and after visiting her pediatrician came home and wrote her first paragraph all by herself. Seriously! She did need to translate a bit of it for me, but not too bad for a four year old little girl bouncing around on very little sleep :)

I love my little princess with all my heart and soul. Thank you God for keeping her safe.

A happy Easter week!

2010-04-09T22:19:00.000-07:00

Our wonderful week started with a cupcake playdate at Nana Marti's house. Sasha was there too and helped the kids decorate the CUTEST "Peeps on a Nest" cupcakes I've ever seen. Real yummy too!

Peeps, chocolate eggs, green coconut grass, and a gummy stick for a basket handle. Too cute!!!

Then we went to this fabulous old ranch/park to have a picnic with some friends. The kids all took their strollers and stuffed animals to wheel around.

Jacob got to see his Nina Caroline.

And they all got to meet Little Julia for the first time!

There are so many cool spots to take pictures at. This gazebo was just too romantic for 3 four year olds....lol!

Emma, my future photographer, took a very nice picture of Lauren, Caroline, and me.

Now how does a new mommy look so much like a pro?

Look at that little mouth on Julia!!!! aww

what a pretty place...

Later that week we had a playdate with friends from school. Everyone had a great time!

Lunch with Nyanya Nidya at our favorite place to eat...BOB'S!!!

Her treat! Thanks Nyanya!!!!

And we always have fun playdating with Joseph and Samantha because I get to spend time with my dear friend as well!

Once Papa came home from Arizona, we drove over to Beeps to grab some burgers. YUM.

and later that day went in for some haircuts.

The last day before Easter, we took Papa on a little shopping spree to the Camarillo Outlets. That was fun for him, and for us too.

And finally, the long awaited day came...

Easter Sunday brought some very cute Easter Baskets!

And Sunday Mass was said by a special guest, Bishop Gerald E. Wilkerson. He was a bit surprised to see a set of triplets this morning.

A family picture taken on the church courtyard. Suprisingly, I convinced my mom to stand with us! lol!

Emma Rose

Roman Alexander

Jacob Ragsdale

My babies looking all polished and angelic. LOL. This look only lasts for a short while...then its GONE.

Grandma and SanFoca came over for a yummy carne asada feast!

And the kids were happy to see that Jesus made their wishes come true once we got home from church.

Easter 2010 has been my favorite Easter so far. I think every year gets just a little bit sweeter than the one before. My babies are almost 5 years old and I think now that the drama of babyhood is over, I can finally appreciate this very unique situation I've been blessed with.

Thank you God for giving us these amazing (and beautiful) quarter-dozen kids!

First Fieldtrip

2010-03-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

Do you remember your first fieldtrip? I remember mine. It was in pre-school and we went to a farm. I remember going home with an apple.

This week my kids went on their first field trip to the Santa Monica Pier Aquarium. They were so excited about this day that they woke up ealry, bright eyed, and bushy tailed. On our way to school we took this picture next to our beautiful blooming wisteria.

When we got to school the buses were already there. "That one is our bus!!!!" This was their first bus ride as well.

Once there, they got to get all touchy feely with the sea creatures.

They even got to go out in the sand and learn about kelp!

Let's hope they didn't let them "taste" anything. LOL.

And this is what a pre-kinder stampede looks like. Talk about energy! You won't likely catch me running in the sand any time soon.

Back at school...safe and sound.

At the end of the day I took them to McDonalds for a happy meal. They were starving!

Thanks to their wonderful teachers for taking them there and thanks to the dad who took pictures to share with those of us who didn't go!

Remember?

2010-03-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

Remember when your mom ordered a new book for you and it arrived in the mail? Remember how super excited you got and couldn't wait to read it cover to cover? Now triple that...

The kids' scholastic book orders came in and without any hesitation, they grabbed them, found a nice seat on the couch and "read aloud" to themselves. And in case you are wondering what that might sound like...

Emma's Quote of the Day

2010-03-05T18:30:00.000-08:00

I was prepping to make dinner and had my cookbook out on the counter. I was calling out the ingredients I needed while Emma sat at the table coloring her princess book.

"Garlic"

"Onion"

"Butter"

"Basil"

"Mushrooms"

"Chicken Stock"

"Whaaaat? What did you say Mama?

"I said, Chicken Stock."

"No they don't!!!!!!!!!"

LMAO! Get it?

The Tranny Triplet Hour

2010-03-04T07:48:00.000-08:00

So really it's not just sister that walks in brothers' shoes. Once in a while things take a turn for the opposite direction. And there is so much laughter and giddiness that I just have to share...

Feel the love...

The Way G Looks

2010-03-01T19:44:00.000-08:00

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I love watching Emma do her homework. She takes such pride in it. Today they learned all about the letter G at school. The homework asked them to decorate the letters with Green or Gray Grapes or any other G object of their choice. The brothers quickly took out their green and gray crayons and made big circles inside each letter. Emma instead, ran things through her brain files and exclaimed, "G is for GIRL! I will draw girls inside my Upper Case G."

I watched the boys race to finish their circles and cram their homework into their folders while Emma carefully drew out each girl, even the ones upside down, without even rotating her paper. Then she looked at me and asked, "Mama, 'geese' start with the letter G too, don't they?" "Yup, Emma, they sure do."

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If this is Emma in pre-k, with no prior instruction by me (because I loathe parents who shove academics down their toddlers throats) then it leaves me wondering just how far this dedicated little ladybug is going to go? Hmmm.....

Like looking in a mirror.

2010-02-27T14:23:00.000-08:00

The odds of anyone having twins is 3%.

(except for fertility treatment births which produce fraternal twins more often at about 20%)

Identical twins represent about a third of all twins.

Identical twins are a fluke of nature.

(though a few inconclusive studies are trying to prove otherwise...I believe they are a fluke...LOL!)

The chance of having identical twins is about 0.4% or 1 in 250.

Mirror image twins are identical twins with opposite side features

(like looking in a mirror.)

This happens when the embryo splits late in its development

(any later and they'd be conjoined.)

About one fourth of all identical twins are mirror image twins.

The odds of anyone having identical mirror image twins is 0.1%

I have identical mirror image twins.

(with a triplet sister, of course!)

Some people say they can't tell my boys apart. They have to look for Roman's mole, or his ear flaw, or have to check out their name braceletes to make sure. We all find this pretty amusing.

The boys decided they wanted to cut their hair to look more like their dad. They were the ones who wanted long hair to begin with so it makes no difference to me. I like them either way. Today we took them in for their haircut.

I wanted to take a picture to show them what they would look like with totally different hairstyles. To see if that would help make them look less similar and I think it worked! Some day when they grow up and decide they want to be different, they can take this route.

(This is Jacob in red, Roman green.)

After their identical haircuts, we're back to square one. Emma said, "oh no, Mom, now I'm going to get all confused!" LOL...yea, right! Like that girl has EVER confused her brothers. She can tell them apart in the dark!

Oh, and how did we know they were mirror image?

Well, at birth Roman had a stork bite on his left eye, Jacob on his right.

Jacob had an ear flaw on his right ear (which grew out) Roman still has his on his left ear.

Jacob's teeth always came out on the same day as Roman's, but on opposite sides of the mouth.

Roman is left handed. Jacob is right handed.

They bat opposite, throw opposite, kick opposite, and sleep crooked in bed opposite.

Their cowlicks are also on opposite sides of their head...as you can see in this picture.

So just when you thought my story couldn't get any more bizzare, there ya go!

UPDATE:
December 5, 2011
They are 6 years old and their baby teeth have started falling out...

ON OPPOSITE SIDES!!!!!!!

Single Mothers

2010-02-20T20:26:00.000-08:00

This was not the first time Mario left for work, for weeks. This probably was also not the last time. In the beginning, when the kids were babies it was stressful when he left. There was so much work that needed to be done, so much that went unaccomplished. This time around the kids were 4.5 years old and though many things got easier, some stuff got worse. Our schedule was more complicated, our weather sucked, they really missed him and got into these crappy moods, and I found myself running out of time and patience...all the time! I just have to say that I don't know how single mothers do this day in, day out, with jobs outside the home and crazy busy lives within...and they do it all alone. I have a real respect for women who don't have anyone to help them out. I also have compassion for them because doing it this way is HARD, its draining, its defeating. I only live it for a few weeks at a time, but they live it for the long haul.

I'm sure there are many women who enter motherhood alone by choice, (though I really don't think they realize what they are getting themselves into until its too late to get out of it...lol) but I also know there are many women who never intended to do this alone and by luck or fate ended up that way. In any case, they all have my respect and admiration. I walked in their shoes for the past 6 weeks and I feel like a broken woman. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Yes, children are LOVE and tenderness, but they are also a SERIOUS responsibility and it is NOT all fun and games.

If anyone reading this is a single mother let me say this to you, "Sister, I hold what you do in the highest regard! You are amazing. What you do for your children every single day is impressive and should not go unnoticed. If you feel like nobody ever notices and nobody understands, you're wrong. I have and I do. I respect you and I value what you give to this world. But more importanty, God sees you and He is taking notice of all your efforts. Your children will thank you immensely one day." And if you were raised by a single mother, PLEASE call her right now and thank her. Unless you are now doing it too, you have no idea how much she gave of herself just for you.

A drawing is worth a thousand words

2010-02-18T22:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, so when Emma first came to me with this page she colored just for me, I sort of worried. LOL.

But then I realized Little Mermaid has a message in that bottle!!!!!

Ok...mommy is safe.

_________________________

Then today Emma came to me with this drawing. She said it was a drawing of herself. They say kids draw themselves as they see themselves, that their self-portraits paint a picture of what they actually portray themselves as and that the background is an indication of their happiness or lack thereof...PHEW!!!!!

The skies are blue, the sun is shining (and smilling) as well as the rainbow next to him. Emma's smile is almost as wide as her oval head and she walks along a path of green grass and flowers. She didn't draw herself as a blonde haired blue eyed stick figure, but gave herself long, luscious, brown hair and gorgeous tan skin.

Ahhhh....All is well in her world...(I sigh in relief)

I was not forgotten.

2010-02-18T22:41:00.000-08:00

In the end, he did make me feel special :)

Valentine's Eve

2010-02-13T20:35:00.001-08:00

How is it that the one offspring that can push my buttons to the limit with a single whiny cry can also be the one that melts my heart with a few sweet words? And this time he didn't even say them to me, nor for my benefit.

It was over dinner that they all began to lose it, you know when kids get the giggles over something totally lame but they just can't control it? Well, as they all sat at the table laughing Jacob stops, looks at Emma and gets all serious, "Emma, I love your smile. You have a beautiful smile."

So heartfelt, and sweet, and innocent. It left me speechless and once again reminded me that he really IS his father all over again. I feels like the same spell that Mario cast on me 16 years ago, the one that over the years seems to have been misplaced in the clutter of raising triplets, that one. Except now its my son stirring the potion of compliments, and this one wasn't even for me!!! But none the less, it's just in time for Valentine's Day! With Mario still in Florida and too far away to make me feel special tomorrow, its a good thing I gave birth to the next best thing, wouldn't you say?

My therapist

2010-02-13T09:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I finished putting down foam tiles in what was left of the garage (I've been doing sections at a time) After removing and replacing STUFF, vacuuming, cleaning and reorganizing I was BEAT, my back hurt, I stunk, and I collapsed on the new garage, I mean "playroom" floor face up and crucified. Emma was sitting down watching me and said, "Mom, are you tired?" I said, "Yes. Ugh, but it's 5:30pm and I have to get up to make dinner." Emma then said in her finest most precise ultra-soothing therapist voice, "Mom, it's ok if you don't make dinner. You can order food, like pizza or...something else. Or maybe you can drive to a restaurant and pick up some food they make there. Don't worry so much about it Mom. It's ok. Do you want a pillow?" When I say God truly over-blessed me with that child I am NOT exaggerating.

New old girl.

2010-02-10T21:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes an old girl just needs a new look.

Postre

2010-02-07T20:33:00.000-08:00

After every lunch and dinner I give my kids postre (dessert) and have been doing so since they began eating real food. It will vary between a bowl of fruit, some cookies, ice cream, jello, whatever sweet thing is in the fridge/pantry. Today I made them one of their favorites: Banana Beach. Its just a sliced banana with cinnamon sprinkled on top (today I threw in a few marshmallows too) and an umbrella. And if you're wondering how it is that I just happen to always have these mini umbrellas in my cabinet, then you don't know me very well. Anyway, I just wanted to include this insignificant post that wont make anybody laugh or cry because I know some day when I am old and gray it will be meaningful to remember the simple little things that used to make us so happy.

Singing in the Rain

2010-02-06T20:36:00.000-08:00

I complained to my teacher at the parenting class I am taking about how crazy my boys were during the week of non-stop rain and how I couldn't control them. She and the other moms suggested I take them out in the rain for a walk to burn off energy and because they would enjoy it.

AND ENJOY IT THEY DID!

"Mom, this is the most wonderfullest day ever!" and afterwards they were complete ANGELS for the rest of the day!!! Who knew?

A classic.

2010-02-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

I have a pile of books, classic children's stories, that I've been holding aside to read to my kids for the first time, for a long time. I've been waiting for the right moment, when they might actually get the point. Well, with them being "school aged" now, and with Mario (the bedside story reader) gone I thought this would be the perfect time to break them out. From this secret stash I've now read Where The Wild Things Are and afterwards had them laughing and begging for more.

Also, lately I've been joking about the 4, 500 + days I have left until they all go away to college but then I went and read The Runaway Bunny and I swear I almost cried. LOL. Emma couldn't get enough of that one. I've also read Happy Birthday Moon and The Beast in the Bathtub and always after each reading they all say, "Mas Mama! Read it again!"

And then there was tonight.

The Giving Tree. As I held it in my hands, in a very early edition, sewed on pages, torn and worn corners and all, I wondered what reaction I would get. I read to them how the tree gave the boy its apples, then its branches, and finally its trunk as a testament of what true love really is, and they protested "noooooo" and "awwww" with so much conviction that I began to wonder if maybe I was wrong in having held back these books for all these years. But as I turned the last page, after the tree gave the elderly boy all she had left, her stump, and read the final words "And the tree was happy. The End" I looked up and saw Roman sitting up in his bed, with tears in his eyes, his first real tears, completely moved by the message in the story, I knew this was the right time.

I hope my children continue to connect with the stories they read, and build a love for books and stories with meaning. I hope they see that for every book that makes you laugh, there is one that makes you feel. And that feeling is owning, and owning is learning, and learning is growing, and growing is life. And this life is all we have to make the most of. This is only the beginning but I think we're off to a good start.

From this moment...

2010-01-24T21:22:00.000-08:00

(To honor my 100th blog post, just as it was hand written in my diary in the spring on 2005)

She said, “I have news for you. The pregnancy test came back positive. You’re pregnant.”

I had her on speaker phone and at that moment we all started screaming. She gave me some instructions on what to do next, which I didn’t hear but fortunately Jen did and wrote them down for me. I just remember hugging and crying with Mario, both of us in total disbelief.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

I ran upstairs to tell my mom the news as Mario and Jen begged me not to run anymore. She hugged me and told me she was so happy for us. Honestly, the whole moment felt so surreal. It had been a long 8 year road of trying and wishing and crying and giving up and trying again. We’d come full circle so many times. We honestly didn’t think this would ever work. But somehow, this time it had.

From then on every week became a mini milestone and at six weeks we went in to hear the heartbeats. This terrified me because last time this is where our story ended. But this time, as I lay on the examination table, things were different. Doctor Nelson scanned me with the ultrasound probe and said, “Well, this here is Baby A. This is the heartbeat.” And I started to cry. How could something so tiny be so full of life? A single heartbeat is the difference between life and death and my baby was alive! Alive inside of ME! “And this over here is Baby B. And this is its heartbeat.”

What? Did we hear what we thought we heard? Baby A and Baby B? “Twins? We’re having twins?”

“You are.” Mario’s smile froze on his face. My tears stopped coming. And we just looked at one another and time stood still. How could we be so lucky? “OK, get dressed.” And we were left in the room by ourselves, the four of us. We hugged, still in a trance, until we finally felt it. This was real.

The next two weeks I could think of nothing else. We were afraid to start telling people but didn’t want to be pessimistic either. The day we planned to tell Mario’s family was that Saturday. We were going to drive down there, have dinner with them, and break open the big news.

I was so excited to be pregnant, and for some odd reason felt like I was already showing, so we went to A Pea in the Pod to buy me a new maternity outfit. I was in the dressing room with Mario when I felt it. Warm and wet. No…no…no. I looked down and there it was. Blood. We both froze. It wasn’t fair! How did we deserve this? Hadn’t we been through enough?

We walked quickly out of the store and into the parking lot where we found a bench for me to sit on while Mario ran to get the car. This very sweet girl came out of nowhere and sat next to me. She asked me what was wrong and when I told her she began to comfort me. “Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll stay until your husband picks you up. I won’t leave you here alone.” She held my hand and waited with me. She told me she had a baby too and that she understood how scared I must feel. When Mario pulled up she helped me get in the car and told us to drive slowly and safely. “Don’t worry,” she said, “Everything is going to be alright.” Then she reached over to my hands and placed in them three very pretty pink polka dot tissues. Then she stood there and watched us drive away.

Days later I found myself wondering about that girl. Who was she? Where did she come from? Did God intentionally place her in my path? Was she an angel? Was she my Virgen de Guadalupe? Was she my unborn sister or deceased grandmother? Was she ever there? Was she real at all? I now believe there are special beings amongst us that are meant to appear at the right time to lend a helping hand and make you see that you are not alone in the world. And she was one of them. And I thank her.

As we drove to the ER I called the fertility clinic. The doctor on call told us to turn the car around and head home. He said it was probably nothing and that I should stay off my feet. He also said that if it was a miscarriage, the hospital ER could do nothing to stop it. So we went home, I got in bed, prayed and cried, and eventually the bleeding stopped. Mario ended up telling his mother that we were pregnant with twins over the phone.

Monday afternoon we went in to the doctor’s office for an ultrasound, to see if our babies were still alive and to see what had caused that bleeding. The doctor began to scan my uterus. He found the two sacs and within the sacs, he found the heartbeats. Our babies were still alive! Before I even had a chance to let out a cry of relief he said, “Hold on. It looks like I’ve got something to tell you.” Don’t say something’s wrong. Please. We’ve come too far to lose it all now.

“What is it Doctor Nelson?”

“Well, I’ve got good news actually.”

“Good? Am I off the hormone shots and those nasty lozenges now?”

“No, no. That’s not it. You know how this is Baby A here? And this one is Baby B? Well Baby B split. This here is Baby C, its’ identical twin!” All color fell from my face. “You’re having triplets!”

My mouth dropped open. “Are you sure? We’re having triplets?”

“Yes. I’m 100% sure. Get dressed and let’s talk in my office.”

I slowly looked at Mario whose frozen expression resembled that of a person at the receiving end of a practical joke: half smile, half shock. My legs felt weak. My arms felt numb. The most terrifying feeling swept through every one of my veins. This couldn’t be true. Mario forced a smile and hugged me but I couldn’t move, or talk, or breathe. Like a zombie, I walked into his office where I proceeded to hyperventilate.

After breathing into a paper bag and calming down the doctor began to explain how this happened. “Identical twins are a fluke of nature. For reasons we can’t yet explain, an embryo splits down the middle in its early stages. This kind of triplet combination is very rare. I’ve only seen it happen maybe 4 times in the last 20 years. This didn’t happen because you did IVF. It’s not genetic either. It just happened. Now about the pregnancy…everything has changed.”

The entire drive home I felt like I was in a trance. I had to keep reminding myself to close my mouth and focus on the road. And for the next week I had to keep reminding myself to be happy. But I wasn’t happy. I was scared…scared that three would be too many for my body to hold…scared that I was now facing a very high risk pregnancy that would mean months of harsh changes, a higher risk of miscarriage, a greater chance of pre-term labor, and guaranteed premature babies that I wouldn’t get a chance to look at or hold after birth…scared of babies that would spend their first weeks of life inside hospital incubators and far away from my arms. This was too much. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t like I’d dreamt it would be. And I knew that the only way to fix it would be for one of them to die. And I actually felt that would be for the best. However, at the next appointment when the doctor suggested an embryo reduction I found myself refusing it.

Completely confused, I sat at home the following day just feeling sorry for myself, mourning the loss of an easy pregnancy, a normal delivery, of healthy babies, and thinking of how we could make this work. And that’s when I heard it playing on the radio. From this moment, I have been blessed. I’ll live only for your happiness. And for your love, I’d give my last breath. From this moment on…

“MY GOD,” I said. “You’ve blessed me, not with ONE, not with TWO, but with THREE children. MY children. Why am I wasting so much precious time being afraid?” And then an overwhelming feeling of guilt came over me. “How could I be so blind? This is the biggest blessing of my life. I am one of a chosen few. Me! These children must live. They have to make it. I love them. I love them more than everything and everyone. I love them today and I will love them forever. These are my children.”

I give my hands to you with all my heart. Can’t wait to live my life with you, can’t wait to start. You and I will never be apart. My dreams…came true…because of you. From this moment, as long as I live, I will love you. I promise you this. There is nothing I wouldn’t give, from this moment on…

With eyes full of tears and a heart so full it hurt, I let go of all my fears and began to feel a love like I’d never experienced. It’s like, before I knew them I was nothing. I knew nothing.

My children…

From an amazing dream, to a few tiny cells, to three tiny beings, a love began, bigger than me, bigger than life. Only God could have created such a feeling.

My children...Mario’s and mine.

No person in this world will ever take them from us. I will spend the rest of my life counting my blessings and giving Him thanks because now I know what it feels like to have it all. My life has come full circle. My life is now complete.

How to celebrate?

2010-01-24T09:09:00.001-08:00

I've been giving it some thought. How do I celebrate my 100th blog post? Write an update on each child? Express my thoughts as an old pro mom? Predictions for the future? My favorite 100 pictures? One hundred ways to make veggies appealing to triplets?

Then it came to me. I didn't begin this blog when I should have. I was too busy back then. The first two years were a total blur of bottles, diapers, and exhaustion. And before that I didn't even know what a blog was.

People ask me where I find the time. Some say they think it's great I am documenting my experience. Some even say they like the way I write. All I know is I've always documented my life, just not publicly! LOL. I've kept a diary since I was 12 years old. You know, the old fashioned kind made out of cardboard, paper, and pen? And though I got horrible carpal tunnel during my pregnancy I was able to write down the story of how it all began.

It began in my heart the day I was born. I hate to sound old fashioned because I am a quasi feminist, but all I ever dreamt of as a little girl was to be a mommy. And that day finally came on January 3rd, 2005.

My 100th post will celebrate the thoughts that ran through my mind, both good and bad, on that day and the days following the biggest news of my life...

"You're pregnant."

Cause and Effect: a 4 year olds' revelation.

2010-01-23T21:52:00.000-08:00

Over dinner and out of nowhere...

"Ok, so you are already married."
"Yes."
"So I can't marry you."
"That's right, Roman. I'm already married to Daddy."
"And I have to wait until after I go to college to find someone to marry me?"
"No. After graduate school."
"Ok and then I can buy my own truck, and get ready for work, and go to Superbowl?"
"Yes."

Apparently, my son misses his father. And apparently you can only leave town for 2 months to work Superbowl if you are married. That sure is a long time to wait.